Infertile Reflections

The Silver Stork.com (my website)

2006-12-31T04:15:00.000-06:00

Dance

Right now my website is not working. I was having too many problems with the server and I decided to cancel the service. While I'm looking for another ISP I've attempted to update as many of the link here as I could. Thank You for visiting. Patti

If you’ve visited me before you might notice I’ve revised my blog. That’s because I decided that it was too hard to navigate and I needed something easier. So right here in the midst of yet another cycle I decided that I would start my own website. Blame it on the drugs, but right then and there I just had to start creating one. Never mind that I had no idea how to do it or what I was getting myself into, the next thing I know I’ve signed up with a server and gotten my own web address.

That was the easy part. The server promised me access to a template site in order to make the creating part easier. I tried for two days to figure out how to use the dang things without success. I finally gave up and found a program to create the site using HTML. I knew some very basic HTML so I dove right in and started working on it. OK maybe it’s not the most professional looking site, but it does most of what I want it to do. Now if you want to find information on the HSG, or SA or just find some fun stuff all you have to do is click on a link and it will take you to that page.

I’ve also added a bulletin board and a calendar. The bulletin board has many options including places for you to post poetry, jokes and stats. It also has an angel baby memorial section if you wish to post a loss. The calendar is for listing your stats, such as where you are in a cycle and when you expect to have your US, IUI, IVF, BETA, etc…

Here is a list of my website links:

The Silver Stork.com

Just For Fun

Things You Might Need

The Seamen Analysis

The Clomid Challenge Test

The HSG

My Poetry

Our Story

Fertile Hurdles

2006-12-01T01:27:00.000-06:00

It happened again… A relative of my husbands made one of those remarks that make you want to slap them. Is it really so hard to for fertile people to keep from offending the fertilely challenged?

Why do they think that they have to add things up (like my husband’s brother-in-law) and tell us how old we will be when our child is, such and such an age? Just because I can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t do simple math. Besides why in the heck do they think we’re freaking out because it’s taken us so long to conceive? It’s certainly not because we think we’re getting younger.

Then there are the dozen or so friends and relatives who have told me “Just Relax.” Who doesn’t have story with a twist for that one? Hello! I started out relaxing, thinking sometime in the next 6 months to a year it would happen. Even when we first saw fertility specialist I was pretty relaxed, after all I was sure it was just a minor glitch. I didn’t get un-relaxed until they told us that my husband had no sperm, but come on do they really think relaxing is going to fix that?

Anyway I know we all have a story or two about some fertile person who hasn’t got a clue. Or maybe it’s just something funny that someone having a momentary lapse of judgment said. I was thinking I could use a laugh or a tale that makes my jaw drop, so why don’t I start a section where others can share their, “oh my God can you believe this” moments. If I get enough really good one’s I’ll start another blog and post them all there, so even if you don’t have a story to pass on maybe you can suggest a name, or let me know if you like the one I’ve used for this section.

Who knows maybe if we get some good stories and pass the link on to our fertile friends (anonymously if you’d feel better) we might slow down the constant deluge of bad advice.

Thank you,

Patti

Just for fun

2006-11-30T15:52:00.000-06:00

One thing a lot of people want to know is; how I get those cute smiles and counters that people use? And how do use them? There are tons sites for both and you can do a Google search and check them out. But for your convenience I’ve listed some of the more popular ones here.

Smiley Central

They claim to have over 10,000 Smileys and I love to use them.

Ticker Factory

I got my ticker here, and they have lots of options to customize. They are associated with Fertility Friend and you can get to either from the other’s link.

Fertility Friend

They have bbt charts in addition to some ttc information. I haven’t really checked out the site, but I know a lot of women their charts. I’ve just never had any luck with temping, since mine swings wildly without a cause. I’d much rather spend the money on a test, at least that gives me half a chance of getting it right.

Most of these sites are very easy to use and explain everything in detail. With smiley central they put an icon at the top of your web page, (but be warned that they also add a search box) when you click on the icon the smiley box will come up and you can browse smileys from there. After you find the smiley you want to use you put your curser on it and right click. Then select “copy smiley html.” Return to the board where you want to post the smiley, you right click (or ctrl + v) and “paste” the smiley into your message. With the tickers when you finish making your selections they actually have boxes with the codes in them.

Many times if you see something you like you can just click on the picture and it will take you to the site that provided the tool. The good news is that you can use the graphics on most message boards, to spice up your posts.

Just in case you missed it I’ve added two quotes of the day, a poll and a guest book to my page. I actually look forward to seeing what the quotes will be each day, so one of the first things I do is read them. They are some of the tools you can find just by clicking on the icon.

Things you might need.

2006-11-29T15:42:00.000-06:00

Not every link on my blog is for something I get paid for, some are just things I came across that I thought were good deals or even just fun. Don’t get me wrong, if I could make a dime or dollar and help someone out then so much the better, but I’m not going to overlook something just because it doesn’t earn me any funds.

One thing that many of us go through in bulk is Ovulation Predictor Kits or OPK’s as they are fondly known. As a matter of fact a post I saw on the Resolve bulletin board inspired me to write this section. Frankly the things are very expensive, especially when you take into account that you may need them everyday for a week or more. I know a few really obsessive (you know who you are) people who even test twice a day. This would really suck if your cycle was messed up and you used more then the standard weeks worth of tests. So I did a little search for cheap kits and came up with this site. As far as I could find these had the cheapest tests, if you have a better one please let me know.

Save On Tests

They also have a digital basal thermometer, pregnancy tests and several other types of non IF related tests.

Accurate Pregnancy Tests

They also have an ovulation microscope, digital basal thermometer, and of course pregnancy tests.

~~~~~

Like many men, my DH (Dear Husband) cannot produce a sample without some form of lubrication without getting a blister after about 3 minutes. Ouch! Not to mention that I hear that a little drag is a real drag, and things don’t always come easily when it’s time to provide those all important sperm. Of course the first thing they tell you is not to use any of the lubricants that are widely available, so what’s a fellow to do? You won’t spend long in the IF community without hearing about Pre-Seed. As far as I know it’s the only lubricant that claims to be safe for ttc. It comes packaged two ways, one that’s just for him and the other for when you’re doing the all important “baby dance.” As soon as I heard about it I signed up. We bought some for DH and he claimed that it worked very well.
~~~~~

It doesn’t matter if you’re newly diagnosed or if you’ve been at it for years, you’re going to need someone to talk to. Someone who can tell you what’s normal and what’s not. What to expect each step of the way. And sometimes you just need to vent about how unfair infertility is with others who understand, and won’t make you feel more out of sync with the rest of the world then you already do. My favorite boards are the one RESOLVE and one that is for woman who are TTC OVER 40. But there are hundreds of bulletin boards set up especially for those trying to join the ranks of the fertile world, and you can easily find them by doing a Google search

Of course once you get on the boards you will soon realize that they use a lot of acronyms. Almost every site I’ve visited posts a link for them, but just in case you can’t find it here is one; Resolve Acronyms that has most of what you will need.

Stim day 9 US ~ Concerned; confused and crazy

2006-05-12T18:09:00.000-05:00

I guess I had high hopes for this US since when she did the one on Monday she found 3 follicles on the left side and I’ve never had more then 3 there before. I didn’t let it get me down that she only found 2 that were measurable on the right, because she said she saw a few smaller ones that might come into play. I’ve had some pretty strong twinges on my left side so I kept telling myself that those 3 must be holding on…

So there I am splayed in the stirrups while she pokes that cold probe into me hoping and praying that some of those little ones caught up. She’s very slowly waving the wand around trying to decide which ovary to look at first. (I know this because she said “let me see which side should I look at first?) I wanted to say just hurry up and look at something, I’m dying of curiosity here. But once again I restrained myself from yelling at the RE’s staff.

She finally settled on the left ovary and started looking for action. Then she says I only see one on this side. I’m thinking where the heck did the rest go and I can’t believe this is happening and 1000 other things non of them good. Thankfully she didn’t linger too long on that side after informing me that I only one follie and it was 14 mm. She swings the probe (none to gently) over to the right side and I was holding my breath as I thought I spied several follicles. (Mind you I’m not an expert and I have been fooled at times.) I did let out my breath (just short of turning blue) as she said “This looks better.”) She started measuring that side and found another 14, two 9’s and two in between. Just enough to keep me from crashing into despair.

I asked her if she was sure that there was only one on the left, because on Tuesday you measured 3 on that side. She looked again and said “there are a couple of small one’s including one that was about 7 mm, but that’s all. Then she said “maybe I got the left and right mixed up last time.” Um… I don’t think so. Painful probe, push on your abdomen; does that hurt; I’m positive I remember which side she was on as she called out the sizes. LOL After she measured my lining (it was just over 10) she told me to get dressed and then went to check my chart. When she came back she tried to convince me that I had most of the follicles on the right last time, and that I was remembering wrong. I didn’t bother to argue, but when you’re the one on the business end of that stick you don’t forget where someone was checking. Besides I always expect my right side to be the one that takes the lead, so that shock alone was enough to burn it into my mind.

Next we go off to see the IVF coordinator. I’ll call her Miss Robot, because Joe and I both agree that she can’t “think outside the box.” It’s like she has her little speech rehearsed and that’s all she knows. She starts talking about triggering me tonight or over the weekend. (I’m thinking they should be doing an US on Sunday, but that even if my largest follies grew 2 mm a day the most likely day to trigger would be Monday, so they did over mature, but the littlest angels had a chance to grow up a bit.) I refrained from asking her if she had the smallest clue how IVF actually works and instead asked about another US on Monday. She said “of course that will be up to the doctor” but he’s in surgery. (Mind you this was the same women who had trouble figuring out what 8 times 3 equals.) Then she started back with if you trigger on Saturday you’re retrieval will be on Monday; etc. Sigh! I gave up on that discussion and figured that the RE was smarter then she is. At least I hope so or I’m in big trouble.

Next I asked about Joe’s SA results from yesterday. She didn’t have them yet. I asked her if she could call and get them, because if my retrieval ended up being Monday (I’m not opposed to using other peoples blatant stupidly to get what I want.) I needed to know if we needed the other back-up sperm from Joe’s urologist. She tells me that if they hadn’t had any sperm to freeze then they would have called the same day, so they must have gotten enough for ICSI. I tried to explain to her that just because they had enough for ICSI didn’t mean that the older specimen wouldn’t be better and therefore we would want to use it instead. She couldn’t seem to grasp the concept, and was just stuck on they must have enough no matter how poor the sample is. I did finally get her to agree to call and ask them to call back with the results. I won’t however hold my breath!

Joe and I discussed everything on the way home and I reminded him that we had already decided that we would not do ER without at least 4 mature follicles. Since most RE’s consider anything between 16 and 21 (at trigger) to have a pretty good chance of being mature without being spoiled even my lead follicles having some growing to do. I do realize that 14mm follies can be mature, but if I triggered today or tomorrow there is almost no chance that more then 2 would be mature. I told Joe that there is no way I’m going to trigger without another US to make sure that at least 4 of my follicles are over 15. I can’t see spending $10,000 on two follicles when I know that I can get 4 or 5 if I’m just patient. Besides if my RE tries to trigger me sooner then I won’t have much faith in him and I plan to find one that I feel can handle my case and will do an US on a Sunday if needed.

So that’s my saga so far today.

Acupuncture

2006-05-12T03:12:00.000-05:00

Here it is 2 O-clock in the morning and I can’t sleep… again! I’m all keyed up wondering what they will find on my ultrasound and what the results of Joe’s semen analysis were. If there is one thing that you do a lot of when it comes to infertility treatments; it’s wait. Wait for your period. Wait for cycle day 3. Wait for your ultrasound. Wait for your blood work. Wait for the next ultrasound and blood work. Wait for… well you get the idea.

So here I am waiting for the “real” morning to hurry up and get here so I can go to the doctors office and wait some more. Since I can’t sleep I thought I’d talk a bit about acupuncture.

I’m not exactly when women started using acupuncture in conjunction with infertility treatments, but at some point some doctors started to notice that it seemed to improve response and pregnancy rates. Other doctors remain skeptical even now. Until a few years ago no one seems to have put the treatments to the test, and even now those studies are few and far between. I did manage to track down a few with my trusty Google Search Engine and the one I found the most interesting is posted here.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=16600225&dopt=Abstract

According to it acupuncture directly before and after the embryo transfer in an IVF cycle can increase pregnancy rates by quite a bit. It’s not enough to hang your hopes on, but I haven’t found a single study that says it will hurt your chances so I figured why not try it for awhile?

I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I arrived at my first appointment so I wasn’t disappointed when the environment was more clinical than spa like. (I later discovered that some women had preconceived ideas that it would more like getting a massage then a medical treatment. I must say that the picture that painted in my head was appealing, but when I gave it further thought the idea of letting someone stick needles into me by candlelight seemed rather foolish.

When I arrived the acupuncturist had me put on a lovely gown (you know the designer fashions that they give you in doctors offices and hospitals around the world.) and some loose shorts. First she had me lay face up on the massage table while she checked my chi. As I suspected my chi was all messed up! She used a fancy machine that measured electrical output at about a dozen acupuncture points across my body. When she was finished she printed out a graph so that I could see which points registered high or low or just right. My first graph was a mess! By the 4th one things had evened out quite a bit. Once she finished the measurements she knew how to treat me to align my chi.

Some acupuncturists use strictly needles to stimulate the points, but she had an arsenal with which to treat her patients. First she brought out a probe that gave off an electro magnetic field and she used that in several places. Next she used a device that gave me quite a shock. Ok so it was a small shock and she could adjust the intensity, I actually preferred it when she turned it up a bit. After treating me with that for awhile; she got out the big guns and began to place the needles. She treated most of the places on my stomach and feet with the “electro shock therapy” and most of the places on my back with needles. On my first treatment I wasn’t sure how the needles would feel going in, but I barely felt most of them. I think the best way I could describe the sensation would be to tell you to find a ballpoint pen (the kind that clicks open and closed) and after making sure it’s closed, place it on your skin and tap it a few times. That’s pretty much how it felt… Except for that, one needle; right in the middle of my back. That one pretty much hurt. It was exactly what you would expect someone shoving a needle into you to feel like. However it only lasted a few seconds and then I didn’t feel it at all.

So there I am lying on my stomach. Doing the porcupine. Needles sticking out everywhere, and I have an almost uncontrollable urge to rollover. I just kept thinking; you can’t rollover dummy you have needles in your back. LOL I managed to contain myself and after a few minutes the urge passed. When she removed the needles I don’t think I felt anything at all.

At this point I want to say that the woman I see does not specialize in infertility. I wanted these treatments for stress control more then anything else, but I did tell her that I was undergoing IVF and asked if she could help with that. She did know some points to stimulate and she researched the best ways and times to help me in the few days between my first and second appointments. I can’t tell you if her manipulations have helped with my response to the fertility drugs, but I can I tell you that I’ve felt much more relaxed then I expected. I’ve also (in spite of massive amounts of strange hormones roaming willy-nilly thru my body) found that I’m not as easy to anger and I’ve only cried at one or two sad songs so far this cycle. I just feel more even and the only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that my chi is more aligned then it’s been in years.

My last treatment she added a new gadget that used laser light to manipulate the acupressure points. I was a little worried about the validity of that one. I mean I didn’t feel a thing, so how was I supposed to tell if it was working? I’ve since read a few article that claim that the laser may be even better then the needles (not that I can find them right now) so I guess I’ll let her keep using that too. Now if I can just get her to help me sleep.

In the Freezer

2006-05-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

Today was the day that Joe went to give his back up sample for freezing. You know, just in case the big day rolls around and for some reason his sperm have taken a vacation or he has performance issues. Trust me it happens to the best of men and there is no since having your cycle canceled for such a lame reason, when there is a simple solution.

Joe has had 3 back surgeries and still has back problems, so this is extra important for us. It’s hard enough for a man to give a sample with all the pressure of knowing “this could be the one” when everything works perfectly; add in some pain and the other things that crop up from time to time and it pays to be prepared.

It didn’t help that at this lab; you have to make an appointment 24 hours in advance, talk about adding pressure. Then just as Joe and I were getting ready to leave for the 1 ½ drive (leaving time to stop for something to eat) someone from the lab called and asked if he could come (no pun intended) early. (OK so I think it’s funny.) Joe told them we could make it a little early, but not as soon as they wanted. More pressure! Then he told me and we rushed to leave. Half way there I realized that I had left my shots sitting on the kitchen counter where they were warming. Of course I got very upset, because that put me taking them over 2 hours late. Then I realized that neither of us had our cell phones. That made me angry at the lab for calling and asking us to be there in such a short time when we live so far away. Of course now I’m worried that since I took this mornings shots so late it will mess everything up.

So after all the added stress, when Joe returned from the back in record time (it didn’t even seem like 5 minutes had passed) I was convinced that he was going to tell me that something was wrong with the room. Or worse yet that “Jr.” had decided to take the day off. LOL When he said “I’m done, lets go” I had trouble controlling my jaw and keeping it from rolling around on the floor. After all he’s been under the weather for 3 weeks and he hates those rooms where everyone knows what you’re doing and is waiting for you to finish. Not to mention that most of them are not conductive to a pleasurable experience.

Let me take a moment her to comment on the rooms: Joe has done SA’s at 4 different places. The first 2 were at the urologists offices: The rooms they put him in at those were the exam rooms. A hard straight back chair; an exam table, some magazines and tons of noise. The place we had our first IUI has there own lab and the room they sent him to was the size of a confessional. They had a bench against one wall and barely enough room to stretch your feet out without hitting the other wall. They also supplied some magazines. I didn’t see the room at this place, but Joe told me that they had a comfortable chair (he thinks it reclined) and a T.V. with movies. For the first time he didn’t feel terribly uncomfortable. He told me that there is nothing that stunts the mood more then staring at an exam table with stirrups. Thank God this place had a decent room.

Before we left I asked if they “would call us with the results.” and I was told that they would. I’m not sure what to expect as far as count and quality go, after all Joe’s been running a low grade fever for almost 4 weeks and it’s only over the last couple of days that he’s felt a little better. When I hadn’t heard back by 4:30 I decided to call and ask for the results. This time I was told that they wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow or Monday and they would fax them to my RE. Know I know darn well that they have to freeze the sample within a short time and they have to check everything before they freeze it, so why couldn’t they give me the results today? If Joe’s count had always been normal and he hadn’t been ill I wouldn’t worry so much. We do have a small sample (800 thousand) at the urologist’s lab, which we can have sent over if it’s needed but they want 24 hrs so I was hoping to let them know ASAP since I won’t have any idea until tomorrow when my retrieval might be. If it ends up being Monday then I need to know tomorrow.

I think I’ll feel better after tomorrow (Assuming everything looks good on my ultrasound and Joe’s SA.) when I have a better idea of when everything is going to happen. Right now I’ve got such a big window to work with that I’ve had to put my life on hold all of next week. Plus it’s just so much to worry about everything coming together like it should. I think I’m holding up pretty well considering all the stuff that’s going on right now. I really believe that the acupuncture is helping with that even if it isn’t helping with anything else.

Date with an ultrasound...

2006-05-10T02:03:00.000-05:00

After injecting myself with all kinds of hormones for 6 days, I went for my first follicle check, ultrasound today. I was so worried and nervous that I barely slept last night. If you’ve never been through this before it’s hard to comprehend how important each and every ultrasound is. Every time you stick another needle into yourself you do it hoping that it’s prompting those egg laden follicles to grow. You analyze every twitch and twinge and ache, hoping it means that something is happening with your ovaries, but dang it you can’t see what’s going on down there. Well not without an ultrasound you can’t, but today is the day that I finally get to find out if all those pains are all in my head.

So there I am half naked; barely covered by a paper sheet; letting it all hang out; so to speak. Without even a glass of wine or some chocolate to warm me up, the ultra-stenographer invades my space and starts probing around. I’m thinking “How about a few nice words.” and she says “Am I hurting you?” Of course what I really want to hear is this looks good or something that sounds promising… She says “I don’t see much going on there, but it’s still early for you.” as she views my right ovary which is the only one that I can count on to respond. At this point I see my hopes start to spiral down the drain like dirty dish water. After all that left ovary has a one follie history, although there was one cycle where it actually made a Herculean effort and produced two. So feeling doomed I waited as she moved the wand over to take a peek. I was amazed when she actually saw some activity. Yeah for the leftie! After having me do some pressing on my abdomen (to improve the view) she measured 3 follicles ranging in size from 7 to 10 mm and commented that I had a few that were too small to measure.

Then she told me that she wanted a closer look at my right ovary. At this point I’m thinking “You freaked me out and you didn’t take a good look? I should smack you!” But I’m a lady so I restrained myself. Besides since I’d been having some pin prickly pains on that side; I really wanted to see if there was anything there after all. First she mentions “some small ones” that can’t be measured and then I get to do the press trick again. By the way yes it’s very uncomfortable. She’s pressing from the inside (at angles that just don’t get pressed any other time) and I’m pressing from the outside and thinking “Please, please, please let there be something.” and she actually finds something to measure. I was so excited that I forgot to pay attention, but I think there were 2 that were about the same size as the ones on the other side and one that was just barely 6mm. However she did say I had a few on that side that were too small to measure too, so I’m doing a happy dance. (@%&+*$!#) ‘I’ll bet you thought that was cussing.’ LOL

I’ll admit it I’m having dreams of grandeur, where they actually get 7 or even 8 eggs. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I can’t help it. Still I’m not an idiot and I know that I have a long way to go, so I’m not actually counting any eggs until they are harvested and quality checked.

My E2 was 125 or 135 (the phone lines in the area were messed up earlier) and the RE is keeping me on the same dose of meds. I know that some of you will think that seems low, but with the protocol I’m on Estrogen levels tend to show up as much lower then on “traditional” protocols. This is not an issue that compromises egg quality, however it does require that the RE base time of trigger on follicle size instead of blood work.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for Friday morning. Is it time yet?

IVF ~ CD 5 (day 3 of stims)

2006-05-06T18:06:00.000-05:00

Here I am 3 days into my IVF cycle and I’m already feeling like a pin cushion. I guess it’s not surprising because on top of all the IVF drugs I decided to try acupuncture this cycle. I call it doing the porcupine, but cactus would work just as well. I’ll tell you more about that later.

Right now I’m doing 3 injections a day. I take injections of Gonal-F and Cetrotide in the morning and one of just Gonal-F at night. I tried to find out if I could mix the morning shots and just do one, but so far I haven’t gotten an answer so I stick myself twice. When I used the Follistim and Repronex I got red spots on my stomach after every shot, the Gonal-F (so far) hasn’t had the effect. The only complaint I have is that Gonal-F needle seems a bit harder to push in.

What? How do I feel? I feel good! I’m not sure that has as much to do with the drugs as it does the fact that I got a new job (I just have to pass the drug and background tests) yesterday. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t call my medications drugs in this case.” LOL I think it’s going to be a piece of cake, after all I’ve taken all kinds of tests since I started ttc. My biggest worry is that my new job will be at The Home Depot and I love to fix things up. I just know most of what I earn will be spent before I even leave the store. I think that’s why they are hiring me, they saw that gleam in my eyes and knew I’d be replacing fans and painting bedrooms. (If they looked close enough they’d have seen tile, carpet, paint, fix that leaking faucet and squeaky fan…) See I’ve already got my first years pay spent and I haven’t even started.

I can’t really tell you if I have any symptoms, but I do have an achy feeling in my sides. It could be my ovaries or it could be stress, heck for all I know it could just be a side effect of all these drugs. I’m going to take it as a very good sign and visualize my ovaries growing lots of follicles filled with perfect eggs.

Las Vegas bound?

2006-05-03T17:29:00.000-05:00

As I was driving into town a few night ago I started thinking about how much money I’m risking on this IVF cycle. The truth is the thought of it gave me Goosebumps. I had the urge to say “forget it” I’m not doing IVF I’m going to Vegas! I figure if I took that $10,000 and sat down at any table or slot machine and bet through my stake one time the chances of me coming home with nothing were slim and the chances of having more then I started with were much higher then my chances of succeeding with one cycle of IVF. I thought what the heck, why not see how my luck is running before I give all that moola to Dr. God. If I had more money then I started with it would mean go ahead with the IVF. If I had less, well then, IVF was a no go but I’d still be ahead by whatever cash I brought home. While I realize that it’s not very scientific it didn’t freak me out as much to think about gambling it away a few dollars at a time, as opposed to slapping it all down at once on a bet where the cards are almost certainly stacked against me. Still here I am at 3:00 am; the morning I’m supposed to start my stims and I haven’t headed for Vegas yet. I guess that means that no matter how crazy it seems right now I’m going to start those injections in a few hours.

IVF ~ Estrogen Priming

2006-04-29T17:35:00.000-05:00

So if you really want to know what IVF is like I’m going to try and tell you. Here is where we stand right now. Last week I started taking Lupron injections along with the birth control pills I’d been on for almost a month. The Lupron injections went into my thigh. One a day, for 5 days and I did them all myself. (Joe has been under the weather) I took the last one on Monday and was told to expect AF (Aunt Flow as we fondly refer to our menstrual cycle.) in 3 days. SURPRISE! She showed up the next day. In this case I wasn’t complaining because the way I see it that’s 2 less day’s I have to hold my breath wondering if this is working.

Thursday I went in for the infamous day 3 ultrasound and blood work. Everything looked good! That set me up to proceed with my IVF cycle. I’m doing what’s known as estrogen priming before starting my stims. This involves taking a dose of Estrodol twice a day for 7 days. In addition to that I get to inject myself with a drug called Cetritide every morning. I’m sure some of you are saying “what the heck is that?” “My RE never gave me those.” Well I don’t have the best history for producing follicles so this (in theory) is supposed to help. The question is does my body keep up with theories or is going to decide to do its own thing? I’m hoping that it will surprise everyone and produce a mega crop of super eggs. But I’ll settle for just one Golden one, that settles in for nine months or so. The idea behind estrogen priming is that the increased estrogen will cause you recruit more eggs for your cycle. These eggs will rest in your ovaries without growing until you stop the Estrogen and start your Stims.

After I finish my priming I will start my stimulation. This cycle we are going to use Gonal-F. I start it on May the 4th and continue until further notice. That notice depends upon a series of ultrasounds. The first will be 6 days after I start the Gonal-F. Until then I won’t know anything about how things are going. I’ll wait and I’ll wonder and I’ll worry, perhaps even more then I did with my IUI cycles. Hopefully I won’t drive Joe crazy while I’m doing it.

So far I don’t have any symptoms. Do you think that’s a good sign? LOL

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s cycling along with me. Even close is great.

Just incase you've been wondering...

2006-04-29T16:36:00.000-05:00

Yes I know I disappeared again. It’s amazing how life can get in the way. I was all ready to move on with my fertility treatments when Hurricane Rita roared through our neighborhood. That new job at the post office that I was sooo… excited about, got blown away in her winds. Or more accurately it boiled away in the 100 plus degree temperatures that followed in her wake. My poor Joe who has suffered so much ended up with sever dehydration and I had take him to the hospital. My supervisor who was very unhappy when she discovered that I was trying to conceive told me to bring her a note (but not to come in) when I called to tell her I’d be late and why. When I called to tell her that they were admitting Joe to the hospital and that they his kidneys were shutting down but they were hopeful that he would recover (and that I’d get someone to sit with him at the hospital if they needed me to work the next day, even though I wasn’t scheduled to work then.) she told me I was fired. Needless to say that totally messed up my plans and tossed me right back into that depression I was talking about. I thought that job was a godsend and would solve all our money issues. In case you’re wondering I filed an EEO complaint, and felt I had a very good case since I was also told I couldn’t use the pickup truck I was using (that’s why I bought that Jeep I mentioned in a former post) and since other people at that same post office including the woman who is now delivering my mail now drive them I can’t see any other reason why I couldn’t use one. However I never received the follow up letter for my case, so I missed the deadline for moving on with the appeal. It’s all pretty fishy to me since it was sent express mail and the signature was waived. Even worse the women who I filed the complaint against is the one who handles the express mail for my house and she already knew about the complaint.

Anyway that’s the story of my life. OK so it’s not the whole story, but I live in a soap opera. Let me just fast forward for you and hit the highlights:

Joe had yet another surgery in October. His second total hip replacement. Everything went great and he’s actually able to dance 3 or 4 dances when we manage to go out on the weekends.

I had laparoscopic surgery in December and along with some endometriosis they removed some adhesions. OK so a lot of adhesions. My bowl was actually stuck to the inside of my abdomen. The surgery was a breeze and the pain I was having around my appendix (which they also removed) is gone. If you’re having pelvic pain I highly recommend letting them take a look instead of waiting for 2 years like I did.

I opened a store. OK so it's an online store http://www.cafepress.com/amuseme but I get to design my own t-shirs and such. I've got some poetry designs, some trying to conceive designs and even a onsie for those of you who have been successful. If I get a few more orders I plan to expand my store and have a bunch more designs to offer. I hope that you will at least take a look and tell me what you think.

We are finally getting ready to start our 1st IVF cycle. I stole the money from my retirement account and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Mostly excited, but I’m angry that my insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatment and I had to make this choice. I’m also scared that it won’t work and interestingly enough I’m scared that it will. In all those years I imagined having children; I never imagined myself having a test tube baby. Or for that matter even trying to have one. Now here I am on the cusp of my IVF cycle and I’m thinking “am I crazy?’ But the truth is it doesn’t matter a whole lot, I know I can’t be satisfied living child free, no matter what it takes. I also feel like if I don’t at least try IVF, then I’ll never if that was God’s plan for me. After all he is ultimately responsible for every medical breakthrough, so it’s not the procedure I have a problem with it’s me having to use it that’s so weird.

Fertility Map

2006-04-12T14:55:00.000-05:00

Oh where, oh where has she been?

2005-08-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

DEPRESSED! That’s right you heard it. I got that Big Fat Negative AKA – BFN; and I went into a major funk. When I go into a funk I usually write about it, and I did, but for some reason I just couldn’t find the energy to post any of what I wrote on my blog or website. Then just about the time I was pulling out of la la land and feeling like joining the world again, I got a new job.

Meet your new mail lady. OK so I’m probably not your mail lady, but I’m someone’s. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen to work for the USPS you must jump thru hoops. Then after making you wait and wait and wait for the job, they train you quickly and toss you to the wolves. (that would be those of you who actually expect us to get your mail in the correct boxes) I just finished my training and let me tell you I’m scared to death. I keep thinking that if I only had another a little more training (say 2 months worth) then maybe I wouldn’t make a mistake and give Mrs. Jones the love letter meant for Mr. Smith (who’s not married by the way) and she wouldn’t shoot her husband in a jealous rage. At least that’s the nightmare I’ve been having ever since I realized that after 3 days of training they are planning to send me out to run the route on my own. If you happen to be driving down the road sometime and you see a mail delivery person crying in front of your mailbox, rest assured it’s a new hire.

I know everyone wants to know what’s going on with the baby making since our BFN, I think I mentioned (somewhere) that this was our last attempt to get pregnant with an IUI and we were going to move on to IVF as soon as I got the go ahead. That didn’t work out quite like we planned. The problem was first we found out that I had several cysts on my ovaries and that benched us for a month. Just about the time they resolved I got this new job and I can’t take off right away for fertility purposes, so that means no IVF for a few months. For those of you not familiar with how IVF works and why I’d need time off to do it, it’s because it involves surgery. Surgery with a needle, which they insert thru the uterus to collect the eggs from the ovaries. Most of the time they put you to sleep to do it. You really only need one day off for the ER (Egg Removal) but they like you to rest for 2 or 3 days after they put the Embryos back in.

Things never seem to work out the way I plan and I can’t catch you up on so much time in a few paragraphs so I’m going to back-post from my notes. It may take me a few days to catch everything up, but I’m planning on working on it as much as possible. I’m on call at work all week, so I have no idea if I’ll be working 20 hours or 50. Hopefully somewhere in between. I’m really hoping to get everything caught up before anything exciting happens again. But for now I need to go to bed, We are driving to Fort Worth tomorrow to look at a right hand drive truck for me to use at work. If I had the time I’d start another blog about all the trials and tribulations of being a postal worker, along with some tips and things I wish I’d known for new hires. Alas, I don’t have any extra time at this time.

Patti

Symptoms

2005-06-04T17:52:00.000-05:00

I know that everyone who follows my saga has been waiting on pins and needles for me to post some symptoms. After all we all know that during the 2 week wait everyone obsesses about them. I feel this or that or nothing at all and what does it all mean? I can tell you right now… it means absolutely nothing!

One woman’s cramps are just mother nature knocking at her door, while another’s is her uterus stretching because an embryo has miraculously implanted. The same thing can be said about cramps.

Still ~ it doesn’t matter we are going to obsess! I decided that since trying to curb the addition to the symptom search is futile I’d just go ahead and give in completely. Here is my list so far:
Joe is hungry all the time and he’s been having midnight cravings for tocos. We had to drive 10 miles (each way) in the wee hours twice this week to get him his fix. Hey, if I want to count it as a symptom, I can.I’ve been very clumsy and it keeps getting worse. It all started a few days ago when I slipped while I was cleaning the tub. I didn’t fall, because I grabbed the towel bar, but it was scary. Then yesterday I ran into a wall; (in all fairness I think Joe moved it) I dropped the hose when I was watering the garden; and at dinner tonight I spilled tea on myself ~ twice. So if clumsy is a symptom then things are looking really good.My breasts are way sore… I’ve never heard of progesterone causing that; have you? (Hey, do think I really wanted to know that.)BTW: if you visit my house you may not use the bathroom. I’m having to pee so often that it could be dangerous for you to even attempt to enter. I really would like to know if the progesterone is causing this one, because I don’t remember it from last time.I almost forgot I keep crying over everything... News stories, people on the bulletin board’s, Joe mentioning his Dad's funeral (I never met his Dad, but I know how much Joe loved him) Wednesday I even cried because Joe took me to Moody Gardens down in Galveston, and I was happy that he was trying to make me happy. Last night I was teary over a song on the radio. It’s usually about this time of the month that I get irritable, but not this month, this month is cry city.

Well that’s all the symptoms I can come up with right now, but rest assured I’m working on some more. We have some kittens and they have been playing all the time, so I’m thinking that maybe there’s something too that…

CD 19 ~ Is She Crazy?

2005-06-04T17:34:00.000-05:00

OK so the jury is still out on that one? But in my defense; I never claimed to be sane.

I haven’t been sleeping and well and even though I haven’t posted much I have been thinking a lot and keeping notes. I thought I’d touch on something that occurred to me around the time I had my IUI. I realized that a lot of people who haven’t dealt with infertility (and even some who have) might be wondering if I’m taking a big chance of having litter with those 5 follies I’m toting around. The answer is NO!

There are many reasons why it’s highly unlikely that all 5 follies would produce a baby and the perhaps the biggest one is my age. I think everyone realizes that as you get a little older the eggs you produce just aren’t as good. Some studies say that the average woman over 40 will only have one good egg for every 4 she produces. I’m not sure how accurate that is, but from visiting the bulletin boards I can tell you that it’s probably a good estimate. Also every follicle may not have an egg or it may not be mature. As if that isn’t enough to overcome, the shell of the eggs can start to harden, making it harder for the sperm to penetrate. Toss in our male factor issues and frankly we know that even one baby would be a miracle. But then isn’t every baby, no matter how it’s conceived?

OK so the truth is that I have read a few studies that say that women over 40 (who do manage to get pregnant) have a higher chance of multiples then younger women do. So I can’t help but hope that I’ll actually have the twins I’ve dreamed about having ever since I can remember. I really don’t understand the mechanics of why when doctors give so little hope of getting pregnant with our own eggs, that if we do we are more likely to have twins.

I do know that if an older woman uses donor eggs she has just as good if not a better chance of getting pregnant in a given cycle then even the youngest of women using her own eggs. It seems strange to me that our bodies should be more inclined to accept foreign DNA then it is to harbor our own. There are many theories for why this happens, but no one really knows for sure. Perhaps the most accepted one has to do with Dr. Beer’s studies on immunology. The feeling is that when the baby’s DNA is too close to the mother’s, her body will not produce the hormones needed to protect the fetus. (It doesn’t recognize it as a baby, but instead as a mutation of her own DNA) When this happens instead of her body producing hormones to protect it, her immune system attacks the growing fetus, which results in an early miscarriage. It’s been discovered that if both parents come from the same ethnic group that it’s even more likely to happen. Both the theory and the treatment are extremely controversial and you will find women and doctors who swear by it and those who believe that it’s just a placebo effect. As far as I can tell the treatments will not lower your chances of having a baby, so if I’d had more then one miscarriage I would certainly research it more carefully then I have.

The one thing we do know is a women facing the diagnosis of advanced maternal age (AMA) has a lot going against her. Not the least of which is how many RE’s are unwilling to treat her unless she agrees to use donor eggs.

When Joe and I first sought the services of an RE his urologist gave me packets from the two clinics he works with most. The first one I looked would only take me as a patient until I turned 43, after that they weren’t interested unless I was using someone else’s eggs. Since by the time we got Joe up to par, I only had about 6 months left before that happened so, I tossed that one right out the window. (Figuratively, after all I’m not a litterbug.) The second seemed promising and I made an appointment. The problem was from the moment I walked through the door the doctor was pushing us to use donor eggs. I heard nothing but doom and gloom about our chances due to my AMA. Even after my Clomid Challenge Test came back good, when I only had two follies on IUI day, the RE started pushing me to jump straight to IVF with donor eggs if I didn’t get pregnant that cycle. I couldn’t help feeling that if the doctor was so gung-ho to push older women straight to donor eggs, was he really giving them the best care possible? I didn’t feel comfortable working with a doctor who made me feel like he was just humoring the crazy “old lady,” so I found one who seemed more optimistic about my chances. The funny thing was that Dr. McWilliams was the same doctor I’d been seeing as my GYN, I just hadn’t paid attention to the fact that along the way he had become an RE. Maybe that’s because until we realized that we were going to need help conceiving, I had no idea that an RE was a reproductive endocrinologist or what one might do. But on this journey I’ve learned that there are a lot of things about having a baby that I didn’t know.

Sunday May 29, 2005 ~ CD 19

2005-05-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

I promised myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up this cycle. My last cycle way back in February before I was canceled and canceled and delayed, I felt that I had all these signs and I got my hopes way up only to crash for several days when the pregnancy test came back negative. Right then and there I decided that even if an angel came flying down from heaven to say “congratulations you have been blessed” I would not believe in my good fortune until I was holding my baby in my arms. So why when so many things have gone wrong this cycle, do I find myself searching for reasons to hope?

I keep coming up with all these absolutely insane ideas about how if this person got pregnant under these circumstances then it’s not “totally” impossible. Well Mary got pregnant without a single sperm, so should I suddenly just start believing that if it happened for her it could happen for me? Or even that I should have a much a better chance in spite of all the walls we have to climb. Without a doubt, I’m crazy to even think it. But my sense of humor has returned, so I figure it’s not a bad trade off. LOL

If we do by some immense miracle manage to get pregnant, I guess the good news is we’ll have a fighter on our hands. Not to mention that I expect to see him/her entering the Olympics in about 2025.

Don’t worry too much, I know that it’s a long shot and that counting follies, and giving the sperm extra credit because they have several eggs to catch instead of just one, is not going to make it any more likely to happen then keeping my fingers crossed will. I’m not even sure that praying will help, especially after all cursing I did a few days ago. Not that, that little worry is going to stop the prayer, but lets face it I’ve been praying for years and maybe God has already decided that for whatever reason he’s not going to grant me this prayer. I just wish that if it’s already written in stone someone would tell us.

How’s that for a post I go from humorous to morose in less then 400 words. I think they call that mood swings. Do you think it’s too early for symptoms? If there is one thing I’ve learned in the trying to conceive game, it’s that it doesn’t matter if science says that it’s impossible to have any sort of symptom until implantation (which usually happens between 7 and 12 days past ovulation) as soon as the sperm are out of the gate we all start analyzing every twitch, twinge, feeling and ache. So here it is, I’m bloated, still achy, craving salt and of course moody. And please ~ don’t tell me it’s the trigger shot.

Thursday May 26th ~ IUI day

2005-05-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

I’ll admit that I’m actually writing this on the Sunday, after the fact. I wasn’t sure how to go about posting on such a touchy subject. I also hesitated to talk about something so personal about my husband without out getting his OK, and frankly he was already feeling so badly (and under the weather) that it took me 2 days to approach him about it. He gamely agreed that I could tell the story and share our day.

If you’ve been following our story, or going thru infertility treatments yourselves then you know that the husband usually has one major job. On the specified day he shows up at the Dr’s office, goes into a private room and does what men all over the world do without thinking about it. Easy right? Well most of us women tend to think so, but then again we’re not trying to produce a sample that we know could become our offspring within a few short hours. We’re not sitting in a room on what’s usually an uncomfortable chair with at worse no lubrication or if we are lucky enough to have heard about it in time to order it Pre-Seed, while Dr’s, nurses and assorted other’s go about their business in just outside the door. Knowing that this is the big moment, and you just have to do it… Everyone knows you’re in there and your wife is waiting and her Dr is waiting and you really want this. So you try; and you try; and just when things are getting good, someone outside says “I need that room.” You don’t really know if it’s your room they’re talking about but it could be so now you’re under even more pressure. Well hell, now you’ve lost that feeling and oh God you know how important this is. So you pray and you curse and you keep on trying…

After awhile you have to admit that, no way, no how is this going to happen. You’re feeling bad and angry and worst of all you have to walk out that door and tell the woman you love that you’ve failed at what everyone seems to think is the easiest part of trying to conceive.

I admit it, I was angry, not at my Husband. At GOD! Here I’ve been on drugs for what seems like forever. We’ve been trying for years and after cycle after, cycle where my body didn’t cooperate, we finally have “one” where it did and GOD, can’t give my DH (dear husband) that little extra push to pop the cork. Is it too much to ask for one lousy IUI cycle where everything is optimal before we plunk down ten grand on IVF.

Still, I love my husband and I don’t want him feeling any worse then I can see he already does, so I take a deep breath and try to see the humor in the situation. (Nope not happening yet) But I can console myself with the though that we thought ahead and planned for just such a contingency; (as well as the many others that seem to happen when your dealing with IF) we have them pull DH’s frozen sperm out of their cryo-preserved habitat.

I know everyone realizes that you can freeze sperms, what they may not realize is that all of don’t make it thru the trauma of freezing and thawing. On top of that for an IUI the sperm have to be washed in order to remove them from the seminal fluid and any non motile (moving) specimens. A good average semen sample will have 50 million sperm, half of which will be motile. After washing a fresh sample they will often end up with very close to 25 million motile sperm. The two samples we had frozen had a total of 13.5 million motile sperm and the spermanologist (OK so I don’t really know what he’s called) told us to expect to lose about half in the thaw-n-wash. Over 6 million was more then we’d ever had for an IUI so I was trying to keep hopeful.

By this time we were well passed our IUI appointment time and we figured we had just enough time for them to get the sperm into the syringe and for us to drive to my D’s office for the IUI, before he had to leave to perform surgery. All that had to happen is for things to go the way they usually do. Yeah right! For some reason thawing took longer then expected and no way, no how were we going to catch my Dr before surgery. We could wait several hours for him to finish or for the other person who does IUI’s at their office to arrive, but washed sperm have a very limited shelf life. They do perform IUI’s at my husband’s Dr’s office, so when they offered to do mine even though I didn’t have an appointment, I said yes. You might say (as did I) enough already, give them a break. Sorry folks that isn’t going to happen quite yet. When the sperm were finally bathed and counted, our total motile number had dropped even further then we’d been prepared for and the whopping number they injected through the catheter into my by now very impatient uterus was 2.8 million. That’s well below the 4-10 million they say give the best chance of getting pregnant. On top of that I had to bear the indignity of having yet another person poke around “down there” in my personal business.

I did get lucky in that this IUI was much less painful then the last. Nothing clamped to my cervix to hold it in place, and only moderate cramping. Thirty minutes, later we were out the door, trying to find reason to hope and our sense of humor. No not quite yet…

May 25th

2005-05-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

I can’t sleep because I’m excited about my IUI tomorrow, so I thought I’d touch on something that occurred to me this morning. I realized that a lot of people who haven’t dealt with infertility (and even some who have) might be wondering if I’m taking a big chance of having litter with those 5 follies I’m toting around. The answer is NO!

There are many reasons why it’s highly unlikely that all 5 follies would produce a baby and the perhaps the biggest one is my age. I think everyone realizes that as you get a little older the eggs you produce just aren’t as good. Some studies say that the average woman over 40 will only have one good egg for every 4 she produces. I’m not sure how accurate that is, but from visiting the bulletin boards I can tell you that it’s probably a good estimate. Also every follicle may not have an egg or it may not be mature. As if that isn’t enough to overcome, the shell of the eggs can start to harden, making it harder for the sperm to penetrate. Toss in our male factor issues and frankly we know that even one baby would be a miracle. But then isn’t every baby, no matter how it’s conceived?

OK so the truth is that I have read a few studies that say that women over 40 (who do manage to get pregnant) have a higher chance of multiples then younger women do. So I can’t help but hope that I’ll actually have the twins I’ve dreamed about having ever since I can remember. I really don’t understand the mechanics of why when doctors give so little hope of getting pregnant with our own eggs, that if we do we are more likely to have twins. I do know that if an older woman uses donor eggs she has just as good if not a better chance of getting pregnant in a given cycle then even the youngest of women using her own eggs. It seems strange to me that our bodies should be more inclined to accept foreign DNA then it is to harbor our own. There are many theories for why this happens, but no one really knows for sure. The only thing we do know is a women facing the diagnosis of advanced maternal age (AMA) has a lot going against her. Not the least of which is how many RE’s are unwilling to treat her unless she agrees to use donor eggs.

When Joe and I first sought the services of an RE his urologist gave me packets from the two clinics he works with most. The first one I looked would only take me as a patient until I turned 43, after that they weren’t interested unless I was using someone else’s eggs. Since by the time we got Joe up to par, I only had about 6 months left before that happened, I tossed that one right out the window. (Figuratively, after all I’m not a litterbug.) The second seemed promising and I made an appointment. The problem was from the moment I walked through the door the doctor was pushing us to use donor eggs. I heard nothing but doom and gloom about our chances due to my AMA. Even after my Clomid Challenge Test came back good, when I only had two follies on IUI day, the RE started pushing me to jump straight to IVF with donor eggs if I didn’t get pregnant that cycle. I couldn’t help feeling that if the doctor was so gung-ho to push older women straight to donor eggs, was he really giving them the best care possible? I didn’t feel comfortable working with a doctor who made me feel like he was just humoring the crazy “old lady,” so I found one who seemed more optimistic about my chances. The funny thing was that Dr. McWilliams was the same doctor I’d been seeing as my GYN, I just hadn’t paid attention to the fact that he was also an RE. Maybe that’s because until we realized that we were going to need help conceiving, I had no idea that an RE was a reproductive endocrinologist or what one might do. But on this journey I’ve learned that there are a lot of things about having a baby that I didn’t know.

May 24th ~ CD 14

2005-05-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

I took my trigger shot tonight and now I just have to wait for Thursday morning for my IUI. So… is it Thursday yet? I guess not.

I talked to my best friend who lives in Florida and one of the things she told was that she’s going to be Grandmother again. Her daughter’s little girl isn’t going to be a year old for a few more days and she’s due in November. She got pregnant with this one while she was on birth control pills. Now why can’t that happen to me? Here I am injecting drugs into my stomach to help me get pregnant and others are doing it while taking the pill. Someone has a warped sense of humor.

Don’t get me wrong I really am happy for them and I know how much they will love the new baby, but it does get harder every time I hear about another person getting pregnant. All of us who are suffering through infertility, have to cope with the blessings of others. It’s much easier to be happy for another woman on the bulletin boards who we know has been trying for years, then it is to be happy for those who accidentally get pregnant. Sometimes it’s even hard when friends or relatives are blessed with there 3rd or 4th while we’re still trying for our first. Especially if the people who are blessed seem to ignore or take their children for granted or even worse make no secret of the fact that they didn’t want the child in the first place.

Many times it’s really hard to be around children and babies and the reminder of what is so blatantly missing in your life. So far I’ve managed to go to all the family gatherings, baby showers, birthday parties and holiday gatherings that I’m frequently invited too, but I’ll admit sometimes it hurts to see so many others enjoying what I have wanted so badly for so many year. There are times I cry, and times I rage and others when I beg God to either give me the child that I feel so empty without or to take away the desire for one. I don’t know how so many people who have children can not understand that it’s not something you want the way you’d like a new car or bigger house… It’s a burning hunger that gnaws at you and demands to be satisfied. It leaves you feeling empty and cold. No matter how many things I come up with that I can buy or do because I don’t have children, the longing won’t leave me.

Our children are a part of us and when you have them with someone you love they are a living testament to that love. More then that they are blending of your two souls, and they will pass a piece of your love on to their decedents.

Maybe I’m too romantic, but I want to share this most intimate and amazing experience with my husband. My Joe. I don’t expect being a mother to be all love and fun and games and I don’t expect my children to be anywhere near perfect. (Especially not with Joe as their daddy.) But I do hope that when I look at them I will see everything I love about their father in them. I hope that they will be smart and strong and giving, but most of all I hope they will be happy. I can’t think of any better way to confirm our love then to create a life. But the truth is my Love for my Joe has only made my longing for children stronger; even without him I would still want a child of my own.

As you can see I’m in a reflective mood tonight. It’s hard to be sure if it’s just me or if the drugs have something to do with it. Either way it’s late and I need to try and get at least a few hours sleep.

May 23rd ~ CD 13

2005-05-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was our Anniversary and Joe and I had a nice day. We had a party at the club we go to on Saturday night and it was really nice. Joe and I danced 3 dances and then he danced a couple of more with friends of ours. One of the ladies works overseas and was only here for a week so he really wanted to dance with her. Did I mention that he used to teach country and western dance? He’s such a wonderful dancer that he’s in high demand, but he’s been out of commission and it’s only in the last few weeks that he’s been able to dance at all. We both had a wonderful time, and our friends seemed to enjoy themselves too. Yesterday he paid for it, and his back was really sore, but I think he thought it was worth it. We did go out to a romantic dinner and we spent the evening just relaxing and talking. I’ll have to admit that I was pretty achy myself and I really didn’t feel like running any marathons. OK so I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, but between the follies and the Repronex shots my stomach is pretty sore.

This morning I had my US and I was thrilled to find out that all 5 follies are hanging on, although the smallest at 13cm and two 15 were not quite large enough to be mature the other two follies were 20, 17. On an Injection cycle they need to be at least 16. My E2 was a healthy 926, which puts me right about on target for 5 mature follies. In order to give the 13 a chance to catch up Dr. Mac wants me to take my Repronex tonight and tomorrow morning before triggering. (The 15’s are so close and my E2 is high enough that they would probably be mature enough by the time I ovulated even if I had triggered today, but given my age and our problems 5 is a much better number)

Needless to say I’m excited and I’m not sure how I’m going to sleep for the next couple of nights. Joe still hasn’t had an SA since his surgery and I really don’t know what to expect as far as numbers. Unfortunately he got sick a few days before we saw the urologist and he wasn’t’ feeling well enough to give a sample. By the time he was feeling better it was the weekend and we were afraid to try today incase our IUI ended up being Wednesday instead of Thursday. I guess I’ll just have pray some more about that, and be happy that we have 8 million on ice, if we have any problems Thursday.

May 19th ~ CD 9

2005-05-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

I had my US today and (drum roll please) I had 5 follies, 3 on the right and 2 on the left. Two of them were only 8 cm, but the others were 10’s and a 13. My E2 (estrogen) was 320 and they tell me that’s great for where I am in my cycle. The Ultra-stenographer said that the top 3 are almost certainly sure to grow, but she’s not sure about the 8’s. I’m praying that all will continue to do well. I took my dose of Follistim and Repronex this morning and was told to switch to 4 amps of Repronex 2x’s a day until Monday, when I have another US. All I can say is “grow follies, grow.”

May 18th ~ CD 8

2005-05-18T00:41:00.000-05:00

I picked up the Follistim pen on Monday and it really was easy to use. I’ve just been cruising since then and although Joe gives me most of my injections I’ve actually given myself several. I’ve noticed that unlike with the Repronex injections I don’t have bruises on my stomach. Just one little blue spot where I must have nicked a blood vessel, it actually bleed a bit after the injection, but at least it didn’t squirt like I’ve heard others say can happen. After being canceled last cycle, due to poor response, I’m very nervous about my US tomorrow. Joe has been telling my how moody I am and what can I say, I blame it on the meds. LOL I do feel achy and tender around my ovaries so I’m taking that as a good sign.

2005-05-14T04:13:00.000-05:00

WomanRed

Saturday May 14 ~ CD 4

2005-05-14T00:40:00.000-05:00

I started my injections today and although I had a little crisis this morning when I realized that my pharmacy didn’t send me the special pen that you are supposed to use to inject the Follistim, I guess it went well. If it hadn’t been a Saturday I could have driven to Houston to the IVF pharmacy where they have plenty of them. I searched online and called every pharmacy in the area, but no one carried them. I finally figured out how much to inject and used a needle. The biggest problem was that they give the amount in IU (injection units) and the syringes come in cc’s or milliliters, and no one seemed to know how to convert them. I finally found a pharmacist who knew the right dose and I double checked it by figuring out what percentage of meds would be left in the vial if I took the dose both ways. ( Sigh) The Shots didn’t hurt much going in, but they hurt a little more (then just the Repronex) as they were pulled out and for the first 15 minutes or so.

The Clomid Challenge Test

2005-05-14T00:20:00.000-05:00

One of the first tests they do on a woman is called the Clomid challenge test. It’s supposed to ascertain that you are ovulating and have a good egg supply. It requires blood tests on cycle days (CD) 3 and 10, and several US’s to check follicle size and confirm you’ve ovulated. The main things the blood test check are FSH or follicle stimulating hormone and E2 or your estrogen level. Most RE’s will also do a thyroid work up and they may test other hormones.

Lucky me CD3 and 10 were on a Saturday, so I had to find a lab that was open to get my blood drawn. Then on CD 5 I had an ultrasound (US) to make sure that I didn’t have any cysts, before starting Clomid.

If you’ve never had an US for fertility purposes you’re lucky. It’s embarrassing enough to have a pap smear, but this takes longer and requires searching for the ovaries. You get to put your feet in those lovely metal stirrups and lay back on the table, while the Dr or Ultrastenographer inserts an US wand that’s been covered with an extra-large condom and a squirt of gel. First they measure the uterine lining to see how thick it is, then they start the infamous search for the ovaries. It doesn’t hurt, but it isn’t really comfortable either. My RE leaves the screen angled so that I can see it. After pointing out the Follicles during the first US, it was easy for me to spot them on the subsequent ones.

If you don’t have any cysts you will take the Clomid on days 5-9 and return for another US, somewhere between CD 10 and CD12. I returned on CD12 and after checking the size of my follicles the Dr. decided to trigger me so I would ovulate. Triggering requires a shot (usually ovadril) that tells the body to release the eggs. When you take fertility drugs a trigger shot is a good idea for two reasons: Number one if you produce more then one egg it’s not uncommon for your body not to ovulate because it’s not normal. Number two is that if you trigger you know that you will ovulate between 24 and 48 hours after the shot. (and most likey between 36 and 38 hours) It narrows the window and helps to determine timing. If you’re planning to do an IUI as we were there are two choices for timing: The first would be to do one IUI 36 hours after your trigger shot. The second would be to do 2 IUI’s one 24 hours after and the second 48 hours after. Many Dr’s prefer to do 2 IUI’s but from everything I’ve read both have the same chance of achieving a pregnancy; as long as the one at 36 hours is properly timed.

If you don’t choose to do an IUI the RE may choose to do another US to confirm that you’ve ovulated or they may do a blood test called a P4. The P4 checks your progesterone level. My FSH on CD3 was good, but on CD10 it was slightly high.

Another test you’re likely to have the same cycle as your CCT is an HSG or Saline Sonogram. To me this test is more important then the Clomid test, because it lets you and the Dr know if your tubes are open. Plenty of women have babies with a high FSH, but if your tubes are blocked you're going to need help. In addition to checking the tubes it also shows the shape of your uterus. I had mine done on CD8 and everything looked good. If you want to read more about it I’ve listed it under HSG.

May 11, 2005 ~ CD1

2005-05-11T04:35:00.000-05:00

Well here I am at cycle day one again… Right now I’m sort of in limbo, no pills to put me on hold or prime anything and no drugs to make my body start working overtime on producing those all important follicles. I do however still have to take my pre-natal vitamin, folic acid, baby aspirin and thyroid medications. Some days I feel like hiding them in my mashed potatoes and pretending I actually swallowed them, but I know if I ever do get pregnant I want to have done everything I can to give my baby a head start.

For those of you who are wondering about the baby the aspirin, it’s used to help implantation. The theory is that some women have clotting factors that inhibit the embryo from implanting; and the baby aspirin can often do just enough to help, while there’s no chance that it can hurt. If you’ve been tested for clotting problems and they are really bad you may end up doing Heparin injections to improve your chances even more.

Saturday I will start my injections and I’m taking two drugs both in the morning and at night. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix the drugs so I only have to do 2 injections a day. I did quite a bit of searching on the internet and I couldn’t find any information that said that mixing them was a problem. Very few doctors tell their patients not to, and most, like my RE leave it up to the woman. I figured if I couldn’t find a single reason not to mix the two then there was no way I was giving myself all those extra holes and bruises.

My biggest problem lately is that I can’t sleep. I decided that this blog wasn’t user friendly enough and that I wanted a website where people could easily find the information they wanted without having to scroll down the page for miles or guess what archive it’s in. Sounds great; right? So I got all gung ho and signed up with a server and started working on it… Never mind that I’ve never actually had a website before and I didn’t know the first thing about setting one up other then the little bit I’d learned playing with my blog and a yahoo personal page I had years ago, that was drag and drop and supper simple. It was only after I got started building the thing that I discovered how little I know about html and how h.a.r.d it would be. I want to do this and I want to add that and I have to learn step by step how to do it. Sometimes I have to give up and admit that I can’t figure out how get just what I want so I have to settle. I guess it’s a good lesson for life, because no matter how hard you try some things just aren’t going to fall into place. I’m hoping that in another week or two I’ll be far enough along to post a link and get a few visitors.

I’m also excited that my counter is reading at over a thousand visits. I’ll have to admit that since I the one I used doesn’t have a way to exclude me and I check the quotes everyday (plus I think it adds a count whenever I update) a hundred or so may have been made by me. Still I’m thrilled that so many people have stopped by and even returned. So I just wanted to say thank you for caring.

This cycle is an IUI/Injection

Estrogen Priming

2005-04-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

I finally got to talk to Dr. Mac and we’ve got a game plan. Lucky me my appointment day fell on CD 2 so they did an Ultrasound to check for cysts and I was thrilled when none of those dreaded black spots showed up.

Because I responded poorly the last two cycles we discussed moving to IVF, but unless for some odd reason I end up with too many follies for an IUI, I’d really prefer to try one more cycle before taking what will be my final chance. (I’m assuming I won’t win the lottery, start making tons of money on the side or receive an anonymous gift of more tries.) While we were talking I discovered that one of his main concerns was the cost of the injections and that he was worried that I was spending so much on them that I might rather go straight to IVF. However I reminded him that the drugs were about the only thing my insurance did cover, so I wasn’t worried about that aspect of the cost. I actually feel like it would serve them right if it cost them more money for the damn drugs then it would have to pay for the treatments. Come to think of it, if someone was doing injections and trying to conceive the old fashioned way for two or 3 months because they couldn’t afford an IUI that would have worked the first time, then I’m sure it would.

Once we got that out of the way, his suggestion was that we try estrogen priming before we started the injections. Estrogen priming is supposed to help those of us with low response or older eggs to produce more follicles. The way I understand it is that we often produce too much testosterone and while low amounts are required to properly grow and mature an egg. Too much can be detrimental, because it can cause the developing egg to ripen early. Dr. Sher uses an analogy of fruit on a tree, being picked too soon or too late. Taking an estrogen supplement (such as Estrace) will help lower your levels until you’re ready to cycle.

Many estrogen priming protocols are more involved then mine, but they require taking a month off and starting other drugs a week before you expect your period. If I was planning to do an IVF cycle and wanted a maximum number of eggs then it might be worth waiting, but I prefer to have 3 or maybe 4, given my age and the likely hood that at least some of them will be defective. Also given my husbands low sperm count the chances of one or even two being fertilized are low anyway.

So today I started the Estrace, and I’m taking 2mg, 2 times a day, for 14 days. The last 3 days I will add 100mg of Prometrium 2 times a day. Shortly after that (Joy oh Joy) I should have withdrawal bleeding or in other words, my period; only two weeks after the last one. I’ve been told that I don’t need to wait for Dear Aunt Flow to arrive (just in case she drives a little slow) I’m supposed to count the next day “May 11th” as CD1. I don’t know about side effects, but Dr. Mac told me to expect sore breasts. I already know what causes that; it’s all the squeezing we do checking to see if they’re sore yet! LOL

May 11th through the 13th I get a brief respite from hormones and except for the Prenatal Vitamins, Folic Acid, Baby Aspirin, and my Thyroid pills I shouldn’t have to take anything.

May 14th I will start injections of Follistim and Repronex twice a day. The only thing that hasn’t been decided is if I will use one injection to take both or if I will need two. I’m leaning toward mixing the medications; otherwise I’ll be taking 4 shots a day. As far as I can tell the jury is hung on the decision about which is better or indeed even if mixing is going to make a difference. My Dr. left the choice up to me, with the statement that the Rep that was at his office preferred that they not be mixed. But she’s not taking 4 shots a day, and many women would be taking even more. Besides as best they could tell her reasoning was that the Follistim might not provide enough liquid to properly dilute the Repronex powder. A simple solution to that problem would be to add some of the saline solution that comes with the Repronex. But maybe she thinks that infertile couples aren’t bright enough to measure liquids and powders.

On May 19th I will have my next US and blood work, after 5 days of stims. Until then I just have to pop, and mix and shoot in the right order at the right times. I guess a little prayer wouldn’t hurt either. God: Are you listening?

Poetry ~ Outside my Window

2005-04-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you’re just on the edge of going completely insane? Do you feel like you might want to?

I wrote this poem a little while back and in order to understand the post you will need to read the poem, so here it is:

Outside my Window

Five years old
I watch her playing
under the sweet gum tree.
Dappled sunlight
litters her face
as she turns and smiles at me.

Raven hair
just like her dad;
she catches the neighbors cat.
Giggling, spinning,
dreaming, dancing
She dresses it up in her hat.

A handful of flowers
wrapped up in ribbons
She’s a beautiful make-believe bride.
I look out the window
with tears in my eyes
and smile with sorrow and pride.

A humming bird glimmers
from flower to flower
gliding on gossamer wings.
I hear her as clearly
as thunder in springtime
but I can’t place the song that she sings.

I can’t help but watch her
for moments… for hours…
Till I turn and collapse in despair.
She's the child I dreamed of
and prayed for; for years
But I know that she’s not really there.

Patricia Gibson-Williams
February 26, 2005

Lately I stand at that window and I swear that I see her, clearly; crisply, so close and yet so far away. I long to step through that window into my make believe world and join her. I know I can’t do it, but sometimes, just sometimes… I wish I could. I feel so lost at the thought that I may never have a child, that there are times that I’d settle for one that was only in my mind. I know I’d end up in a loony-bin, but if I didn’t know I was there and I was happy with my fantasy family, who’s to say I wouldn’t be better off. Besides how do we really know what’s real and what’s not? For all I know I’m sitting here, sad and worried, at my imaginary computer typing nothing. How can I really be sure? I’ve seen people who are perfectly content to pick flowers that don’t exist and I even saw a TV show once with a woman who had an imaginary daughter. Isn’t it strange that I pitied and envied her at the same time?

I’m not sure how this links with the rest of the infertility stuff, but the last few days I’ve been sick and extremely tired. I can’t imagine my life without children, but the longer I struggle and fight to achieve what others do naturally, the more I worry that it’s never going to happen. The more I wonder just how I’m going to deal if the time comes that I have to give up hope. Today going crazy doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.

I feel like I’m going to go crazy.~ CD16

2005-04-12T18:31:00.000-05:00

I hate that I don’t have any control over what’s going on. It’s even more upsetting to me that I don’t have the vaguest idea of what’s going on with my body. When your trying to conceive, especially while dealing with infertility treatments, fertility drugs, and constant monitoring you always have a pretty good idea of where you are in your cycle. Even when you’re benched and on birth control pills you know that your body is resting and that it should wake back up as soon you stop taking the things. But, ever since they canceled my cycle I’ve felt anxious about what is happening within my own body. I’ve also felt betrayed, and frustrated. How could my ovaries not respond? Why does my body seem foreign to me? I feel like cursing it and cursing God.

Since Friday I’ve been having stomach cramps, dizziness and severe nausea. All of them come and go at random times. On top of that I haven’t slept well since I was canceled, I’ve been extremely emotional and I’ve suffered several panic attacks. It makes me feel crazy that I don’t know if the pain is my ovaries or stress or something else. I wonder are the few small follicles they saw growing? Will I (or did I) ovulate, and if so when?

As for the stress, it’s even worse the usual, partly because I don’t have a plan for my next cycle. Even when I was benched in the past I knew that as soon the road was clear we were going to try a certain treatment. This time my RE’s office didn’t give me a plan when they canceled me. They told me to make an appointment with the RE to discuss our next step. The problem is the next available appointment wasn’t until the 26th and for all I know AF could show up at any time. Don’t these Doctors know how hard this is? Especially, when you don’t even have a plan to work with.

I called the RE yesterday to ask about the pain and nausea; I was told that everything I’m experiencing is normal. They said that when you cancel a cycle and quit taking the drugs your body is still producing extra hormones that can cause all sorts of symptoms. The follies may continue to grow and you may ovulate or they may grow a little before shrinking and disappearing. Basically without the trigger shot to make me ovulate, they really don’t know what my body is going to do. Yeah that really helps… I’m not crazy I’m just hormonal; at least I can still blame it on the drugs.

The truth is what I really want to do is have an US so I know what the heck is going on down there. The only problem is that they cost about $300.00 and insurance won’t cover it. We already spent around $800.00 this cycle before I was canceled, so I can’t afford to spend more just because I’m impatient. Especially when I’m so worried that we are going to have to move on to IVF and I know that cycle will cost close to $10,000.00.

So here I sit trying to keep my emotions under control, while I wait for… whatever. If anyone has any ideas for making it thru the “God only knows how long it will be wait” please let me know. Just send them to: The crazy lady.

Too Long

2005-04-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

Tonight I realized just how long we’ve been at this trying to conceive thing. If’ you’ve been following my story you know that I’ve been benched this month because I did not respond well to the injections. The only good thing about being benched is that you don’t have to plan sex. Tonight I was feeling a little frisky and in trying to be subtle I asked Joe if he would like to “give me a deposit.” Without missing a beat he said sure just let me get a cup and I’ll go in the other room. ROFL I guess I need to work on my technique, if I want to actually have sex with my husband.

Poetry ~ How do you tell him

2005-04-08T16:40:00.000-05:00

Angusih

How do you tell him
how much it hurts
this emptiness inside
the void you feel
is the blackest hole
that’s left when worlds collide

it sucks you in
and the stars wink out
light by fading light
and you’re left
surrounded by soundless screams
in the smothering ebon night

How do you tell him
You mourn the loss
of the child you never conceived
imploring
the heart and the womb called out
and in barrenness they grieved

it swirls your soul
through the vast abyss
and tears your spirit asunder
arctic rain washes
from frozen eyes
hope dies with a crash of thunder

How do you tell him
how could he understand
what millions of mothers do not
that the need is a fire
that cannot be quenched
a compulsion that cannot be fought

it echoes darkness
and splatters your dreams
with the burning despair of your loss
and you want to give up
but you kneel down and pray
cause you envy the man on the cross

How do you tell him
when you don’t understand
why this need overwhelms and consumes
but the instinct is there
and it burns you to dust
while you silently gag on the fumes

it can’t be controlled
you know cause you’ve tried
as you wither and dry up inside
and you plead and you curse
God and his son
for the yearnings that won’t be denied

How do you tell him
you want to give up
that you can’t take the pain anymore?
But the only way out
is a box in the ground
or white room with locks on the door.

How do you tell him?

Patricia Gibson-Williams

April 6, 2005 ~ CD10

2005-04-06T03:06:00.000-05:00

I’m really depressed and it’s hard to keep from crying all the time. My husband has been wonderful, trying to keep me busy and keep my spirits up, but he can’t entertain me 24/7. I don’t know how to make it thru the next 3 weeks without a plan and without hope. I don’t know how to hope anymore when it seems impossible to imagine that I will ever have a child.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was the type of person who could slip into a fantasy world and create the life I desire. Isn’t that funny I envy not only those with children, but also those who are happily insane. Maybe I’ve already slipped over the edge; but I don’t think so. The pain is too sharp and hollow feeling that echoes in my heart is too strong.

I ache not only for myself but for the millions of other women, who I know are suffering, fighting to overcome infertility. So many of us suffer in silence, and even those who speak up are too often brushed off. We are given platitudes, like “it’s God’s will” or “well you can always adopt.” Others seem to think that our problems are all in our heads; otherwise why would they tell us “if you just relax it will happen?” Maybe worst of all are those who tell us how great life is without kids, and complain about theirs. Many of us have had others offer to give us their kids, but I’ve never met anyone who truly would give up their children if they were put to the test. Then there are the stories about how so and so got pregnant and she wasn’t even trying, so it’s obvious that you can get pregnant too. The truth is we take it for granted that getting pregnant and having a baby is easy. That’s because for most of the world it is. But for a small percentage of us it means tests and Dr’s and a lot of sleepless nights wondering if it will ever happen. Even most of those eventually succeed; but the harsh truth is that some never will.

When you discover that you are infertile at first you feel optimistic after all look all the treatments that are available. You’re sure it’s just a matter of time and a few drugs, maybe a procedure or two. The first shock is most likely the cost. Since you had insurance you thought you were covered for medical problems. But the reality is that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments. Even if they know what’s wrong if it requires IUI, IVF or even just drugs and monitoring your usually on your own.

For most of us coming up with thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars for treatments is not an easy thing. We mortgage our houses, sell our possessions, take extra jobs, raid our retirement accounts, beg, borrow and maybe even steal, all in the hopes that we can bring home a baby. But how much money could you come up with and how long would it take you? What about someone who’s had other set backs in life and can’t afford to pay for treatments, or at least not if they want to have enough money to actually raise a child.

What I want to know is why shouldn’t insurance pay for treatment of a medical condition? Our insurance pays for sterilization reversal. So if someone chose not to have anymore children and then changed their minds the insurance would cover the procedure. But for someone who has no children and can’t get pregnant (say they lost their fallopian tubes because of endometriosis) my insurance won’t cover the procedure needed to become pregnant. Many insurance companies use the excuse that having children isn’t a necessity it’s a privilege and lump it in with plastic surgery. So tell me, how come they cover Viagra? Why is the ability to have an erection more important then the ability to have a child?

Today I wish I could put a spell on the entire world. I wish I could make them believe that the children they have are just a dream and that they suffer with infertility. I wish I could make each person feel for just a few short hours what it feels like to worry that you might never have a child or grandchild. To have them face all the questions above. I’d like them to wonder if they will be one of the lucky ones. Then I’d like to wake them up so they can hug their children, as they realize, that they are already one of the lucky ones.

April 5, 2005 ~ CD9

2005-04-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

My RE’s office called this morning and after reviewing my blood work and ultrasound results, they have decided to cancel this cycle. Needless to say I’m devastated. It doesn’t help that I don’t know where we are going from here and will have to wait for an appointment with the RE to find out. I don’t have an appointment until the 26th, but I’m on a list in case someone cancels so maybe I can find out sooner. In the meantime I’ll post a few poems and work on my stories about the Clomid challenge test and HSG. If I feel up to it I’ll talk about last IUI cycle too. Plus maybe I can figure out some more ways to raise funds. Right now I think I’m going to have another big cry.

April 4, 2005 ~ CD8

2005-04-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

Today wasn’t such a good day. My ultrasound showed only very small follies, nowhere near the size they wanted them to be by now. Last cycle at this point, I had a dominant one that was already 22mm and at least one other smaller one that was 9 mm. They triggered me that night, but one follicle really wasn’t very good. I was hoping to have several in the 8 to 10 mm range when I went today, so it was very disappointing. I know it’s still early and the birth control pill I took to get rid of the cyst could have slowed things down, so I’m trying to keep my spirits up. Of course I can say that now; after I cried most of the way home. Then I did the one thing that might help and searched the net looking for information about slow responses to the injections. Seeing it written in black and white helped more then the nurse telling me that it could still be a good cycle. I have to wait for my E2 level results before they can really tell, but they won’t be ready until tomorrow. I really hope the numbers are good, because I’ve been very emotional this cycle. When I got the news today, I just felt like giving up. Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about how far I can go before I become a basket case. Sometimes I wish I didn’t want children or that I could at least imagine my life with them. I keep telling myself all the great things about not having children that so many of my friends and relatives (who have children) keep telling me. Then I look into another child’s eyes… I see another mother smiling with love at her son or daughter… and I can’t fathom not having that joy. But even more then that I look at my wonderful Joe and I long to share this most intimate experience with him. I yearn to see his essence in the eyes of our child. I realize how much I want this and somehow with each disappointment, I find the strength to go on.

Paying for Infertility treatments

2005-04-04T07:40:00.000-05:00

It’s sad to say that in America, in these days of enlightenment, there are couples who have insurance and can’t have children; simply because they can’t afford medical treatments. Why shouldn’t infertility treatments be covered by all medical insurance companies? In most cases it’s a medical problem. Even with a diagnosis such as blocked tubes or Azoospermia (No sperm) many insurance companies won’t pay for IVF.

They say that having children isn’t a medical necessity it’s a privilege. But in our case the same insurance that won’t pay for IUI or IVF for us will pay for the person who had their tubes tied or the person who had a vasectomy to have them reversed. They will also pay for Viagra and other drugs for those who suffer from impotence. Not that I would argue that sex isn’t important, especially when you’re trying to conceive, but why is one worth covering and the other not?

Why does the government give a special tax break to those who choose to adopt but not to those of us paying tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills trying to have our own children? As heartbreaking as it is dealing with infertility month after month, year after year, the worst part is knowing that if insurance covered our treatments there’s a very good chance that we could have overcome this years ago and right now we’d be more worried about saving enough to send our child to collage.

If I was younger and had the time I guess I could move to one of the few states that do require insurance to cover infertility treatments; get a job and wait for coverage to kick in. But moving itself can be expensive, and should I really have to move away from my family and friends just so I can have a baby? Would you? It doesn’t matter because I’m too old to wait.

I’m lucky though we have 401K retirement accounts that we can raid, to pay for treatments. I hate to do it for many reasons, one is because you have to pay a hefty penalty if you remove the funds early; another is because I know in the long run it will cost me many times the amount I actually remove now. However the clock is ticking and when I weigh the cost against the thought of never having a son or daughter I know it’s worth it. Or it will be if I succeed. What happens if the treatments don’t work? And how much am I willing to risk? Static’s say that if I had an unlimited amount of money to spend, I could have a baby. But I don’t, and we’ve already had to use 401K funds, due to other medical problems.

Even though my husband has had seven surgeries in two years, including one for an infection in his back that reached the bone and a total hip replacement, Social Security is making us fight for benefits. We are hopeful that he may be able to return to work at some point in the future, but right now it’s not an option. It hasn’t been for over a year. He does get some benefits from his former job, but he can’t even make a little extra to help offset the lost wages while he’s receiving them. At least with social security he could earn $800.00 a month before they docked his payments. I know there are a lot of people, who take advantage, but my husband is a doer and if he could do he would. As it stands now he still needs another hip replacement, but we’re trying to hold that off as long as possible, because the risk of infection is very high for him.

So here is the problem… how can you raise funds to pay for infertility treatments? I’ve been looking hoping to avoid stealing too much of our future

1. Start a website or blog and put some advertisements on it. Hopefully you can get people to click on them. Some advertisements pay for orders and others pay per click. I can’t tell you how well this works yet, but I’ll let you know.

2. Have a garage or yard sale, if you get a bunch of people together you might be amazed at how much you can make. Ask friend and neighbors to donate.

3. Can you say e-bay. I have a friend who earns quite a bit of money on e-bay. Of course she has a knack for getting things cheap and she knows what will sell and what won’t. I’ve tried it myself, but somehow I never do very well. I think it’s like gambling, some of us are lucky and others aren’t.

4. If you have a hobby, try marketing your goods. You might be amazed at how well you do.

5. Many couples borrow money to pay for IF treatments. The options range from second mortgages to credit cards. If you’re lucky enough to have excellent credit and not too much debt you may be able to find Credit cards that offer no interest for periods of time ranging from 3 months to a year. My sister actually bought a car with these, whenever her “interest free period” was about to run out she would get another card that was interest free on transfers and move the balance. I believe she took 2 or 3 years to pay off the vehicle, and she didn’t pay a dime in intrest.

6. I’ve thought about standing on a corner holding a sign that says “Will work for IVF money.” I don’t know if it would work, but desperate times…

7. Throw a benefit. Why should procreating have less pull then keeping people from eating meat? First you need a catchy anagram. “Procreation for infertile couples too” PICT or something of the sort. Maybe we should start a group, Infertile Couples United ~ ICU. Anyway now that you have your name: you need to get approval from the government, I’m sure this means filling out hundreds of pages of paperwork. Then you need a place. Next you need sponsors, anyone will do, so ask everyone. OK so this is getting pretty complicated and I still haven’t figured out exactly how to do it… which is why I haven’t tried it myself. If it works for anyone reading this please let me know.

8. Rob a bank. OK so this one is most likely a very bad idea. I mean what’s the use of having a baby if you never get see it because you’re in jail. But don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.

I’ll admit my list isn’t very complete, but after doing dozens of web searches and looking at hundreds of web sites I can pretty much guarantee that it’s the most comprehensive list on the WWW. Doesn’t that suck? Shouldn’t there be an easier way? Let’s storm the capital and demand that congress and the President do something now! Come on ICU… we must be heard!

April 3, 2005 ~ CD7

2005-04-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

I keep wanting to say my ovaries are a little achy, but the truth is I don’t really believe it. I feel like it’s probably wishful thinking or I’m just tender from working in the garden. I guess I just don’t feel good about this cycle right now. Joe says I’ve been very moody today and I know he’s right. I realized it even before he said anything. I just kind of want to curl up and be left alone.

Tomorrow is my first US since starting injections, so I won’t have to wait much longer to find out if there is any hope this month. I’ve started doing what so many others in our situation do; I’m counting what holidays, birthdays and years will pass without a child if I don’t get pregnant this time. This is my last chance to carry full term and have a baby by New Years. The problem is that when you think of it that way it’s so much harder to hear “I’m sorry” once again.

I wonder if one of the reasons I’m having so much trouble hoping this cycle is that I got my hopes up too much in February. I hadn’t planned to, really I hadn’t. But there were all these signs… Did I mention that I no longer believe in signs and that an angel could come down from heaven and say “you have been blessed with a child” and I still don’t think I’d believe it. The first “sign” came when I was in church and “looking” for a sign. (Aren’t we all) I swear (is it all right to swear about something you heard in church?) that shortly after that the preacher said that when he was “an embryonic preacher” blah, blah, blah. At first I wondered if I’d heard wrong (wishful thinking and all) but he said it three times "embryonic preacher”. Of course it was such an unusual term to use that I that I took it as a sign. The truth is I wasn’t even looking for another, but it seemed like everywhere I went I saw signs. Next there was the fact that against all odds, my beta fell on my birthday. Then there was the stack of pregnancy magazines in the x-ray room at the orthopedic Dr’s office. (They were the only magazines in there) The final “sign” was the one that did me in and totally turned me off to the whole sign thing… As I was pulling into the building at the Dr’s office the song playing on the radio was “Isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder. For those of you who are not familiar with this song it’s about the day his daughter was born. I hadn’t heard the song in years, because I almost always listen to country music, but for some odd reason I’d switched to a non country station just a few minutes before. When the nurse called to tell me I wasn’t pregnant I was devastated. I was so sure that they were wrong, that for 30 minutes or longer I just kept waiting for the phone to ring and the nurse to tell me she had made a mistake. Needless to say it never happened. Not only did I quit believing in signs, but I felt like (and still do a little) someone was seriously messing with me.

So here I am over a month later waiting on an US and trying not feel too pessimistic.
The good news is that body seems to be adjusting to the shots and the last two haven’t left the welts that the others did.

April 2, 2005 ~ CD6

2005-04-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

I’ll have to say I’m proud of myself. My Joe wasn’t feeling well at shot time and I didn’t want to wake him up so I gave myself my shots last night and this morning. I thought about closing my eyes to do it, but I was afraid I’d hit my finger. For those of you who are not familiar with how injections for infertility (IF) are done here is a short lesson:

There are two types of injections for IF; intramuscular and subcutaneous. An intramuscular injection is given in the upper outer portion of the buttocks. A subcutaneous injection is one that is injected into the fat above the muscle. They can be given in the thigh or fleshy part of the buttocks, but the least painful spot is the abdomen. My shot’s are sub-q and considering how sore the spots are I can’t even imagine trying to sit if I hadn’t chosen to do them in my tummy.

The shots from the last 24 hrs are still red, but the others have turned to bruises. They are tender when pressed, but otherwise they don’t bother me at all. My stomach seems just a little bit bloated. Other then that I don’t feel any different. I wonder if the shots are working, I seem to remember that at this point on my other cycles I was feeling an achy pain around my ovaries. I’m also surprised that I was still spotting lightly for most of the day.

It’s late and I’m tired, but I’ve been having trouble sleeping. The good news is that my allergies seem to have cleared up enough for me to breathe for a 30 minutes or more at time. This is in spite of the fact that I spent a while working in the garden today. Right now I’m cussing the pollen, especially when the weather is so beautiful that you long to be outside. I do know that no matter how much I suffer now it will be worth it when we’re eating home grown tomatoes in May.

Poetry ~ Breathe

2005-04-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

Breathe

Breathe
I tell myself
inhale
exhale

breathe…

It never used to take such effort
seemed
natural
easy

breathe…

Now I sit in shadows
wondering why I try

empty dreams

empty arms

no babies crying
no children laughing

and tomorrow

stretches out her barren branches

beckoning me

breathe…

I wonder if I should just forget
how vacuous my womb feels

and how to take

the next breath.

Patricia Gibson-Williams
March 29, 2005

April 1, 2005 ~ CD5

2005-04-01T16:55:00.000-06:00

Today I welts; big red welts with hair growing out of them. OK so the hair part was in honor of it being April 1st, but I do really have some sore red spots on my tummy. The shot this morning hurt more then the ones yesterday. I’m thinking because they have stay pretty close together and the spot from yesterday was still quite tender and red. They didn’t hurt as much my last cycle, but I was taking half the dose I am now. I’m also exhausted! I can’t say for sure that it’s the Repronex (although I’ve heard that it can be a side effect) because my sinuses are still on overdrive and it’s a challenge to take every breath. The spotting has slowed down quite a bit, but last night it was very heavy. I also feel anxious and weepy. Basically I want to cry myself to sleep and pace, as if that makes any sense. Can you tell I’m looking forward to tonight’s injection?

March 31, 2005 ~ CD 4

2005-03-31T21:41:00.000-06:00

Today I started my injections of Repronex. I got one injection in the morning and one at night. I’m lucky because my husband is willing to give them to me. Some woman are forced to give themselves the shots and I’m sure that’s not much fun. I’ve heard a several woman complain that the shot hurts, but so far I’ve barely felt it going in. I will admit that about 15 minutes later the spot feels pretty tender and the one from this morning still feels bruised. I’m still spotting but it’s very heavy now; just not full blown AF, the nurse at the RE’s office told me to expect some bleeding and that it was normal. I’m glad that the staff is so helpful because I’ve seen several posts from woman who were worried about rather this or that is normal. I think we spend half our cycles searching for answers about what’s normal and what’s not. Will this hurt? Should this be happening? Am I doing this right? The questions are endless, and everyone has them.

March 30, 2005 ~ CD3

2005-03-30T20:38:00.000-06:00

Well the cramping and the spotting started today. It seems to get worse every month. I know that part of it is stress, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

From the first time you have your period you can’t help thinking what a hassle it is and how lucky men are not to have to put up with the mess every month. And that’s not even counting the cramps and mood swings. Then you remember that this is the price you have to pay for being able to bear children. To feel life growing within your womb and it seems such a small price to pay. That is until something goes terribly wrong and you spend years trying to conceive. You start to worry that it might never happen for you, and each month it comes like a curse.
I’m a little anxious about starting my injections tomorrow. Now that it’s almost time I’m worried that something is going to go wrong or that I’m starting them too late. That’s one of the problems with IF treatment, everyone is different. What works for one person might do nothing for another. Many women have a great response to the same dose of Repronex I used my last IUI cycle, or even when they use Clomid which I tried for my first and other IUI cycle. (If you want to know more about that I’m going to write a chapter on “The Clomid Challenge Test.”) So my nerves are really bothering me tonight too. I guess I could blame part of that on PMS; add cramps; a bad case of allergies that feel more like a cold; and ta-da I feel like hiding under the bed until it all just goes away.

March 28th ~ Cycle Day 1

2005-03-28T19:30:00.000-06:00

One of the first things you learn when dealing with infertility is that it’s all about the cycle. CD1 or cycle day 1 is the first day of full flow. That means you don’t count spotting. However if you take birth control pills then CD1 is the first day after you stop the pill. If you are doing a medicated cycle you will need a baseline ultrasound before you start your medications. Oh what a joy that is. After my last cycle I went in on CD 2 (and yes it’s a messy time) for the ultrasound. Now most of us are familiar with ultrasound they use on the outside, but this one goes inside. You lay back in the stirrups and they insert the wand until it presses up and shows the uterus, lining and ovaries. In my case I had a lovely cyst and that meant things were delayed until it resolved or disappeared. A couple of days later I went on birth control pills in the hopes that the cyst would shrink faster. Two weeks later another trip wand-er land to check the cyst; since it was the same size I had to wait and additional two weeks and try again. So here I am back in the stirrups hoping for the best. After much pushing and prodding the Ultra-stenographer can’t find the cyst. Yeah for me after being benched for over a month, I can finally start a new cycle. Now I just have to wait for CD4 and I’ll start injections twice a day.

Why I don't already have children

2005-03-28T00:02:00.000-06:00

I didn’t get married until I was 28 and then I married “Mr. Very Wrong.” He kept promising that we’d start that family “just as soon as” we passed the next goal he’d set in the road. In the meantime he did a great job of making me feel worthless and useless. Before I realized what was happening almost 10 years had passed and Mr. Wrong was telling me that he’s decided that “we aren’t going to have children” after all. I told him that he might not have children and I might not have children, but we weren’t going to not have them together. I wasn’t staying with a man who’d lied to me for 10 years. I asked for divorce thinking I’d get out fast and go to one of those “banks” you’re always hearing about. Pick out a daddy for my baby and have one on my own. Little did I know that life was going to throw me a few curve balls. Mr. Wrong wanted me to take $10,000 and go away. He said he’d give every dime we had to attorneys rather then giving anything more to me. He was so sure that if he fought me long enough I’d just give up, after all that’s what he’d done for most of our marriage. This time it wasn’t just the money it was a matter of my pride and what I felt 10 years of my life was worth. The truth was I made him a good offer, and the law said I was entitled to a lot more. But he fought for two years and tens of thousands of dollars he fought; and in the end he gave me more then I’d asked for in the first place.

About halfway through my divorce I met Joe. I felt fat and ugly and worthless, everything my husband had told me I was, but Joe didn’t see that. He saw a beautiful, sexy, vital, smart woman. For a long time I didn’t believe him… but he showed her to me. I wasn’t looking for love, but I was tired of feeling alone, so I decided to have fun with Joe for a while. No strings attached just “friends with fringe benefits” as my sister calls it. I’d never had a relationship like that before, so I didn’t realize how hard it would to keep the heart uninvolved. But for a while things were wonderful. Joe and I talked about everything, including children and why we didn’t have any and how we both wanted them. I told him my plan to use a sperm bank when my divorce was finally final, and he promptly offered to be my donor. We actually started trying a short time later. I figured if my husband found out I was expecting, maybe it would hurry things along. Now I wonder if God is punishing me for not staying faithful even after my divorce was in the works. Not that my husband cared, by the time we filed for divorce I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had relations. I was too fat and he had the internet to fulfill all his fantasies. (Now that I’ve mentioned how fat my ex- made me feel several times let me pause to say that I’m not fat, however I could stand to loose a few pounds) Now where was I? Oh yeah, Joe and I decided to have a baby; no strings attached. So we started trying and trying and… After we’d been trying for awhile my divorce was finally final, and I was in love with Joe.

The good news is that Joe was in love in with me. The bad news; Joe didn’t want to be in love. He hadn’t been divorced for much longer than I, and he wasn’t ready to settle down. I wasn’t ready to share the man I loved with other women. I packed up and moved to Fort Lauderdale, FL where I’d lived for most of my life. A thousand miles away from Joe, and I tried to go on with my life. Joe called me every day and every night and somehow I loved him more. Almost 6 months went by and Joe had come to visit once and I had gone to visit once, and I realized that I had to let go, or I’d never move on and get over Joe. I told him, if you care about me you have to stop calling so much and let me go. And then I quit being a slave to my cell phone. Within a few weeks Joe wanted me move back to Texas and give our relationship a try.

The first curve ball hit us 3 days before I moved. Joe had freak accident and his colon was ruptured requiring emergency surgery. I flew back as soon I got the news and was there by the time he waking up. 2 years and 7 surgeries later our love is stronger then ever, but we still haven’t managed to conceive that baby. If you want to hear more of our saga, you’ll have to read more of my blog.

The Seamen Analysis

2005-03-27T00:48:00.000-06:00

SA

One of the first things my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) suggested is that we get Joe tested first since a seamen analysis (SA) is the least invasive test. For those of you who are wondering if you live really close to the Dr’s office you can collect the sample at home other wise you need to do in the office. For the actual collection they give you cup and put you in a room, your wife can stay or wait outside, whatever you’re more comfortable with. From what I’ve read and seen the rooms very greatly as does the paraphernalia available to assist in the collection. Most have at least a selection of magazines, but I’ve heard that others also have videos. The rooms at Joe’s urologist (UR) were the same rooms they used to examine or consult with patients. The room he used at the RE’s where we had our first IUI was about the size of a porta-potty. don’t you know that’s conductive to having a pleasant experience. After dealing with infertility for a while you begin to wonder what pleasure has to do with it, but it’s a proven fact that the better it is for the man the better the quality and quantity of the SA produced.

Since one of Joe’s ex-wives had a miscarriage while they were married and a girl friend once told him she had an abortion we figured he would pass with flying colors. We were shocked when he didn’t. Azoospermia ~ the complete absence of sperm. None! Nada! Zero! Zip! The Urologist (UR) asked if he’d had a vasectomy; like that’s something he might have forgotten. After that he mentioned that the testosterone replacement that Joe had been taking for a couple of years since he had been diagnosed with very low testosterone; could effect sperm production. I did have some inkling that it could lower his counts, but no idea that it could completely stop it. Besides I thought it was only when testosterone was being abused and the level got too high that it was a problem and Joe’s level was slap dab in the middle range of normal.

The options the UR gave us were for Joe to quit taking the supplements for 3 months and see if that worked or to do a biopsy of his testicles to see if he had any sperm or sperm producing cells. He also suggested an US of his testicles to check for blockages, since Joe’s exam showed no signs of Varicocele. (enlarged veins that can cause lower sperm counts) The US came back clear and after 3 months off the testosterone Joe felt awful because his hormone level was so low and his sperm count was still zero. We were told our only option’s now were for him to have the biopsy and if they found sperm then we could try IVF with ICSI (they inject a single sperm into each harvested egg) or we could use donor sperm. If they found no sperm with the biopsy then without donor sperm neither of us would have a biological child.

We decided that we would try the biopsy and have donor sperm as a backup just in case they didn’t find any. But Joe had been having a lot of hip pain and we wanted to find out what was wrong with that first. After having x-rays and an MRI we were told that he had a disease called Avascular Necrosis (AVN) and that the bone at the top of his femur had lost it’s blood supply and was dying. There were early changes in his other hip that indicated that it was also on borrowed time. We were given more options: Hip replacement or a core decompression where they would drill holes in the bone and pack it with bone graft material in the hopes that it would reestablish blood flow. Since Joe is still young and a hip replacement was unlikely to last a lifetime he chose to try the core decompression. It required that he spend 6 weeks on crutches before he was allowed to put any weight on his leg. Anyone who’s ever been on crutches knows that it’s hard on your back. It was hard enough on his that by the time he was off the crutches his back was giving him problems. But the good news was that the hip looked good and continued to show signs of improvement for the next 8 months.

Now if we could just get that back fixed. Off to another Dr. we went, and after several months of injections with no improvement we decided that surgery to trim the herniated disk was the only option. Joe had the same surgery 9 years earlier on the disk just below the one that was bulging now and it was a breeze so we expected the same of this surgery. The first week things seemed good, but by the second he was having more pain then expected. Joe asked about it when the Dr. removed his staples and he told Joe not to over do things. Two days later Joe developed a boil that broke open when I touched the skin near it, so we called the Dr. and went back for him to look at it. The Dr. declared it a superficial infection and prescribed oral antibiotics. The open wound healed, but Joe’s pain increased daily. For over a month we called and visited and basically begged the Dr. to do some tests and figure out what was wrong. The Dr. just treated us like children and insisted that Joe just needed to wean himself off of the pain medication. (The reason I’ve told this part of the story in such detail is to warn people that if you think something is wrong, get a second opinion, don’t let your Dr. make you feel like he knows better) About 8 weeks after Joe’s surgery we ended up in the emergency room because his pain had gotten so bad. (Did I mention that this was two days after we got married?) They "suggested" that we cancel our honeymoon and sent us to a neurosurgeon; Joe had developed an infection that was now effecting the bone and disk in his back. It took another surgery to clean out the infected tissue, 6 weeks IV antibiotics and leaving the wound open until it healed on it’s own for them to tell us that they could never guarantee that the infection was gone. Once the bone gets infected it’s like playing Russian roulette when you have surgery or any other medical problem. The infection can hide and hibernate in those little bitty holes you have in your bones and it’s kind of like a seed that you plant after it’s been sitting in a shed somewhere for years; something triggers it and boom the infection comes back and attacks the weakened part of your body. Remember Joe’s AVN? Well the core decompression began to fail shortly after the back surgery for the infection. The bone was collapsing and crumbling and the only thing they could do was a hip replacement, but it would many months before the doctors would feel that it wasn’t too dangerous, that the chance of the infection attacking the damaged bone wasn’t too great, to attempt it.

As you can see by now we had been on hold in our trying to conceive efforts for around a year and I was no spring chicken to start with. The Dr. had told us it would between 6 months and 1 year before they would even consider the hip replacement so we had to decide what to do. After discussing all our options again, we decided to move ahead and talk to the UR about the biopsy. But we both mentioned that we didn’t really click with the UR he’d seen and that maybe we could find someone else that we liked better. I searched the internet and found Dr Larry Lipshultz . Joe was lucky to get an appointment pretty quickly. After discussing what the first UR had told us and what tests he had preformed, Dr Lipshultz wanted his own SA just in case things had changed in the last year and to insure that his lab couldn’t find a few strays that the other lab had missed. No such luck. I was pretty skeptical when the Dr. suggested that he still thought that the testosterone might be the culprit, but Joe was willing to try almost anything to keep that needle away from his boys. At least he didn’t want to play wait and see for three months again while Joe testosterone plummeted, he suggested a combination of a pill (Nolvadex) that would tell Joe’s body to produce testosterone and a shot (Novarel) that would tell it to produce sperm. One month later Joe was back in the office leaving a deposit, that night they called us with the results. Joe had 9 sperm. I think the guy who called couldn’t figure out why we were so happy. It was enough to try IVF without the biopsy; but even better it meant we had a chance of having our child. We knew that sperm take months to develop and that the real test of how the medications were working would take a little while longer but now we thought we could relax; after all the biggest hurdle was behind us. Little did we know that more hurdles were in store, and as Joe’s sperm count improved over the next several months, I would discover that I had problems of my own.

The Clomid Challenge Test

2005-02-08T16:43:00.000-06:00

One of the first tests they do on a woman is called the Clomid challenge test. It’s supposed to ascertain that you are ovulating and have a good egg supply. It requires blood tests on cycle day (CD) 3 and 10, and several US’s to check follicle size and confirm you’ve ovulated. The main things the blood test check are FSH or follicle stimulating hormone and E2 or your estrogen level. Most RE’s will also do a thyroid work up and they may test other hormones.

Lucky me CD3 and 10 were on a Saturday, so I had to find a lab that was open to get my blood drawn. On CD 5 I had an ultrasound (US) to make sure that I didn’t have any cysts, before starting Clomid.

If you’ve never had an US for fertility purposes you’re lucky. It’s embarrassing enough to have a pap smear, but this takes longer and requires searching for the ovaries. You get to put your feet in those lovely metal stirrups and lay back on the table, while the Dr or Ultra-stenographer inserts an US wand that’s been covered with an extra-large condom and a squirt of gel. First they measure the uterine lining to see how thick it is, then they start the infamous search for the ovaries. It doesn’t hurt, but it isn’t really comfortable either. My RE leaves the screen angled so that I can see it. After pointing out the Follicles during the first US, it was easy for me to spot them on the subsequent ones.

If you don’t have any cysts you will take the Clomid on days 5-9 and return for another US, on somewhere between CD 10 and CD12. I returned on CD12 and after checking the size of my follicles the Dr. decided to trigger me so I would ovulate. Triggering requires a shot (usually ovadril) that tells the body to release the eggs. When you take fertility drugs a trigger shot is a good idea for two reasons: Number one if you produce more then one egg it’s not uncommon for your body not to ovulate because it’s not normal. Number two is that if you trigger you know that you will ovulate between 24 and 48 hours after the shot. It narrows the window and helps to determine timing. If you’re planning to do an IUI as we were there are two choices for timing: The first would be to do one IUI 36 hours after your trigger shot. The second would be to do 2 IUI’s one 24 hours after and the second 48 hours after. Many Dr’s prefer to do 2 IUI’s but from everything I’ve read both have the same chance of achieving a pregnancy; as long as the one at 36 hours is properly timed.

If you don’t choose to do an IUI the RE may choose to do another US to confirm that you’ve ovulated or they may do a blood test called a P4. The P4 checks your progesterone level. My FSH on CD3 was good, but on CD10 it was slightly high.

Another test you’re likely to have the same cycle as your CCT is an HSG or Saline Sonogram. To me this test is more important then the Clomid test, because it lets you and the Dr know if your tubes are open. Plenty of women have babies with a high FSH, but if your tubes are blocked your going to need help. In addition to checking the tubes it also shows the shape of your uterus. I had mine done on CD8 and everything looked good. If you want to read more about it I’ve listed it under HSG.

HSG

2005-02-07T17:16:00.000-06:00

The HSG or hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows them to see the inside of the uterus and tubes. The x-ray will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus and it will also show any blockage of the tubes. While it cannot rule out other problems with the tubes it can at least diagnose many problems.

For some women the test is virtually painless, others experience varying amounts of pain. From what I understand if your tubes are blocked you are more likely to have more pain.

Before I went for my test I searched the internet, because I wanted to know what to expect. I even found some pictures (I’ll look for the site so I can post a link) of what a normal uterus and tubes were supposed to look like and what some abnormal x-rays looked like. I expected that like any x-ray they would inject the dye; take a picture,; and then I would have to wait for the results. I was really pleased when upon getting to the room I discovered that I would be able to watch a screen and see the process in real-time as they injected the dye.

Like most infertility procedures the HSG involved lying on a table, half naked, with your legs spread, while virtual strangers probed around in your most personal parts. First they insert a catheter into the uterus and then they inject the dye. Like I said for most women it’s virtually painless. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. For some reason they had trouble inserting the catheter and even had to call for a second one. It hurt enough that I briefly thought about kicking the woman who was doing all the work, but I really needed to be sure my tubes were open so I managed to restrain myself. Little did I know that although my first IUI went well, my second would be the most painful procedure yet. While having my second IUI, I asked about the problems and was told that my uterus was slightly tilted and that my cervix kept moving making it difficult to insert the catheter. For that IUI they were forced to use a tenaculum, which is basically a clamp they use to hold your cervix in place. Let’s just say that I’m thankful that Joe was there to hold my hand.

Oh wait this section was about the HSG. It seemed like forever before they got the catheter inserted, but as soon as they started injecting the dye I was so fascinated that it didn’t seem important. I watched as my uterus took shape and then smiled as I saw the dye spill out the ends of the tubes. Wonderful news the HSG looked great.

Why I have ads on my blog...

2005-01-31T03:29:00.000-06:00

Some of you may wonder why I’ve placed ads on my blog. That’s easy, it’s for the money. If you read my section on paying for infertility treatments I’ve given a little more detail. Some of the ads I get paid by the order, but for many (Google) I get paid by the click, so if you see something you’re interested in take a look. With google you can't choose what ad's you want to use, but with the banner ad's I've chosen only companies that I like, if I don't beileve in a company I'm not going to promote them no matter how much they are willing to pay. If you want to do a Google search you may have noticed the search bar at the top of my page, it only takes an extra second or two to start the search here. I’m new to this so I have no idea if it will actually make a dent in the cost of infertility treatments, but if it does you’ll be the first to know. If you want to put ad's that pay you by the sale on your site here is a button for linkshare.

Thank you,

Patti

Some Background

2005-01-26T00:01:00.000-06:00

Wow my own blog… I never thought I’d be the type to write one, but then I realized that it's really just an online journal. I mostly write poetry, and yes I will be posting some here, but I felt like I needed to try something new so here I am.

I never realized how many people are dealing with infertility and how confusing the whole process can be. On the message boards I post to I see the same questions asked over and over, and I’ve never seen anyone actually write about what the entire experience is like. I’m going to attempt to do that here. If I’m lucky I won’t have to undergo IVF, but I’m starting my 3rd IUI cycle and I will cover as much of that as I can. I will also go back as time permits and write about some of the tests (such as the HSG) and indignities of the past. All the gory details from injections to ultra sounds, come along on this journey through my cycle.

But first here’s a little background.

For a long time now my husband Joe and I have been trying to conceive. Like most people we thought that we would just have some fun at the right time of the month and a few months later, I’m late and there are double lines on the stick.

After about 6 months passed we started paying more attention to when the “right time” was and we even bought some tests to make sure we were getting it right. We were sure it wouldn’t be long now, after all most people conceive within a year of when they start trying and that’s without going the extra mile.

But time passed, and every month like clockwork the evil witch or Aunt Flow as she’s known in the infertile community showed up to visit. After a year had gone by we decided to see a specialist. Neither Joe nor I have children and we weren’t getting any younger, so time was of the essence. Here is our story.